Excessive

As I shift from one end to the other, I'm always quite confused about a number of things, like why, for three or four days, was I happy. What was it that I did differently? What was it that triggered it (other than chemicals), and is it something that I can consistently recreate. I think when I'm depressed (not to be confused as the reason I get depressed) I lose sight of the bigger picture... it creates a backlash in my life, where I stop my medications because I don't think they're making an immediate change in my life, but when I'm happy (ie. manic) my eyes are much more open and I can see that if I take my meds now, it'll take time but eventually it may cause me to have longer periods of happiness, or at least be calm and maybe relaxed for longer than two or three days. It just cycles over and over again, I take my meds, I become numb and tired as hell for a week or two, feel pretty happy for a day or two, and then suddenly stop my medication and hate life. I think along with the things I've already discussed, money is a pretty big contributor to my moods. When I don't have to borrow money, or my rent is paid off, or my bills aren't bugging me, I feel much more calm and relaxed, which allows me to feel better about myself, and maybe figure a few things out, but now, as with most often, I'm short rent, having to borrow money from family and friends, which makes me feel like my chest is going to cave in. The strangest things bring my mood down and make me want to tear flesh off my body with my finger nails... my room, for the last month, has smelled like a big thing of kitty litter, and I can't figure out why. My room was really messy at one point, and the kitty litter was dirty, and I'm pretty sure Kairi went the bathroom in my room once, but I cleaned that up, and when I cleaned it up, I made my room spotless; I cleaned everything but I still sit at my computer and smell kitty litter. It fucking drives me insane. I'm going to move every piece of furniture in there and mop, and clean the walls and just go nuts, because I need it to smell nice or I'm never going to be fucking happy! I'm glad that that makes no sense, because it makes sense to me and that's all that matters.

As I've discussed on here many times as well, I know one of the major contributors to my unhappyness, or at least my numbness and complete apatheticness during the day, is the fact that I can't get out of bed in the morning, to wake up, feel refreshed, eat a breakfast, drink something, do anything... I wish I could... maybe I should create a bedtime that I have to be asleep by, because I'm always so damn tired in the morning. Maybe I should FORCE myself out of bed, or make Michelle force me out, or aaggh, I just don't know. I've complained about this very thing many times before and have yet to come up with any sort of solution, and haven't even made any progress towards the goal of getting up... you'd think being very aware of a problem, you'd be better able to solve it, but every morning is the same, day after day. I feel dead throughout the entire work day... just numb all over, inside and out. I just can't seem to be bothered to care about anything. Very few things bring out any energy within me... talking to Dylan, seeing Emily is alive, or hanging out with Kurt and Dave are a few things that can actually trigger a bit of feeling in me, feeling that of course doesn't stick around for long, or quickly makes me question it, analyze it and then immediately destroy it. Maybe it's related to the fact that most every day is spent on the phone, pretending to be nice and charming, not being rude (most of the time) and all around completely creating this fake and alternate personality. About one or two customers a day I genuinly like, and I help, and I do everything I can to make sure their computers are running as best they can - I basically treat their computer is if it was my own. The rest of the time I just do what I feel like... I mean, if I want to write something, like this entry, I do a scan that'll take a half hour or so, because that gives me time to sit on the line and do whatever I want for that time, without having to come up with any lies to tell the customers. It really numbs me, so much that I don't even really have to think about anything... it just kinda comes out without processing any of it first; that can sometimes create problems where I don't make any sense, but what do they know, they're too stupid to know what a power button is.

I guess all I want is to feel something... but happy things; for extended periods of time.

*takes lithium*

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