November 17, 2003 12:23PM
Stupid High School Drama
Let's see if anyone can follow this chain of events: Jordan wants to hang out with Sarah. --> Linzie is at Jordan's, might as well include her --> Jordan likes hanging out with Teresa. Invite her as well. --> Meet at closest sattilite residence.
That is a pretty simple diagram of the chain of events that happens every Saturday. I don't want to hang out with anyone else, I don't want to do anything else. It's not too fucking terrible to understand. Why wouldn't I want Ben there you ask? Well, jesus fucking christ, do I have to include every single person, friend and associate I've ever come in contact with? No! I just want to watch movies with these three friends of mine! Here is a more detailed explaination:
Ben is like my brother. He IS my brother. Not in blood, but we've grown up together. I don't remember a day where I didn't know him. I care about him, we understand each other, we'd do a lot for each other! We play games, we have fun, we go to school, we have philisophical conversations about curbs together... simply put, we've become so close and been friends for so long, we're like family. Now I can put this a few ways for the dim and stupid to understand.
Say you've made plans to hang out with a few good friends, one night out of the week. Pretty much your only chance to see them. Would you, for example, want to bring your brother along? I mean, even if it has nothing to do with him, and they aren't even his friends. It's just NOT complicated. I just want to hang out with my fucking friends. I don't want my friend Aaron there either, I don't want Vito, Bobby or Josh there, I certainly don't want Ozkar or Tatia there, I don't want Phil Shirley there, and I don't want Ben there. This is in no way rude, unfriendly or anything! It just doesn't involve him! SO STOP FUCKING OVERREACTING!!!!!!!!! THIS IS MY FUCKING WEEKEND EVENT THING THAT I ORGANIZE AND THEY ARE MY FUCKING FRIENDS SO LET ME FUCKING HAVE IT!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!
The reason Linzie, Sarah or Teresa won't invite anyone else or involve anyone else is because it's not their get-together, I asked each of them to come. It's like inviting one of your friends to come to someone elses birthday party. You kinda need an invite from the person who's running the party! And again, could I stress that the reason others aren't invited is based completely on the fact of whether or not your name starts with Lin, Sar, or Ter. It has nothing to do with you, really. I can't think of any other way to put it simpler. I'm in charge. If you have a problem with it, talk to me, not my friend, or my girlfriend, or the homeless guy down the street.
Ps. This wasn't directed at you Ben, you were used as an example. It was directed to everyone else. I love you big boy *wink*
It's just funny how sick I am of my life. I'm sick of where I am, who I am, what I'm doing and everyone around me. I hate all the games that people like to play. I hate having to deal with other people and having to put up with bullshit. I just want to disappear, for it all to end, to wake up from this lucid dream. I'm so sick of it all. Why can't people be responsible for their own feelings, and then act for themselves. Why can't I just do what I enjoy, and not have to worry about hurting other people, other people that just have nothing to do with anything, in any way. It's soooo fucking retarded to even begin to think about, it hurts my head. God, I just hate you all, really. I just want to be able to eat my cinnimon buns, listen to a bit of music and not worry about how my actions are affecting other people. I don't have to worry about agruments or fights that may or may not occure because people can't keep their fucking mouth shut, myself included. We all make mistakes, I understand that... but everyone always seems to make the same mistakes. And no one is forgiving. I hold more grudges than anyone I know, so I know what I'm talking about.
It's funny because I keep trying to talk Linzie out of her profession of choice. It'll include travel, maybe moving somewhere else, and even if she absent mindedly says that she won't leave me or move away, she's an idiot because you aren't going to find much work as a human rights lawyer in London, Ontario. I mean, fuck. Don't tell me lies about how you're staying here and blind me in to thinking that I'm going to be warm and happy for the rest of my life. There is going to come a time when you sit me down and tell me you were offered a job in germany cause they found hilter and he's still alive and causing social injustices left and right. And I'm going to have no one again. I found a brochure about going away to another country in my room, so I hid it because I don't want Linzie to actually find something she likes. I know it was immature, but I don't want her to leave me. I just keep trying to scare her into staying, saying that I'll leave her if she goes or anything of the type. It's her life and she shouldn't be restricted by her fucked up loved one. I guess love is nothing more than a process of sucking every last bit of joy out of someone and then moving on to the next person. As soon as the going get's tough, people tend to throw in the towel and move on, whether it because their bored with the person their with or simply because they don't feel anything anymore. It all comes down to being weak and giving into temptation. I mean, you see something new and people fuck over everything they've built up over a long peroid of time and throw it away for some person they just met or don't know if it'll even go anywhere. I can't imagine my life without Linzie. I can't. Simply put. I probably could survive without her, but for all that I am, I don't want to. Not for a day.
It's stupid because of how unstable I am. I snap at her and yell things that don't make sense. I start crying and she doesn't know why. I hurt her feelings and I don't care. I treat her so badly, I wouldn't be with me if I were her. I don't know why she sticks around. I try to figure it out sometimes... I think it has something to do with a fear of being alone, and a fear of not knowing who else she could be with. Maybe a fear of change, maybe she just feels like she's taking care of me and doesn't want to stop. Either way, I don't understand how she could still be IN love with me. Yeah, I can understand how she loves me... time builds that, but being IN LOVE is totally different... that's sexual desire, that's a need to be around someone constantly... it's a lot more than just caring... and I don't know if she IS in love with me. If she's not, she shouldn't lie to herself anymore... find someone who will treat you right!
I'm so tired of putting on a mask. Everyday I have to pretend to be someone. I have to be nice to everyone, because people get offended sooooo fucking easily. If they say Hi to you, you better talk back and act like it's the most interesting conversation you've ever had, or they'll get all bitchy and ask questions and just fucking pry into shit that isn't any of their concern. So I have to pretend ot be the nicest person in the world. I can't be depressed or I'll have every single person who goes to my school and works at pizza hut asking me why, and how they can help. Want to know how to help? Find me some Kodine. Give me some. Large doses please. or, buy me some chips. Talking is NOT something that you can help with... believe me. Talking to people who pretend to care, who are just asking because they think they're earning heaven points for fake concern will not help me in anyway. You don't REALLY give a fuck about me, you just think you do. Stop lying. I just can't be myself anywhere outside of the home around anyone, because they automatically kick into the concerned friend, even the people I don't really know. I had some cock knocker on MSN, who had never talk to me try to preach to me about mental health, saying that I was okay, and I really DO have friends, I'm just not looking and trying to be all philisophical and sound smart, but the fuck head is so retarded... how can he even pretend to know anything about me, my friends, the people around me when he's never even said a word to me in real life. Trust me you fucking cock knocker, I don't have friends around me that I don't even "see". Okay? And no, talking to some teenage price about problems he wouldn't even begin to understand is not going to all of a sudden cure my mental illness. It's not even going to help. You are the problem with today. Kill yourself.
If I want to talk to someone, I'll most likely talk to my psychologist. Can anyone understand why? I'll let you people think about it for a second. And guess what? I'm going to have at least five people come up to me in the next few days and tell me to fuck off or call me an asshole for writing what I did here, and guess what? FUCK YOU TOO!! Because it just doesn't matter what you think of me. Really.. it doesn't. If you can't simply accept how I feel and understand that everyone has their own opinions, then fuck you. You go to hell now. Maybe I said something to offend you... well, instead of coming to me and having an intelligent conversation about the said topic, you'll just take the retarded way out and say, "You're a fucking asshole!" Well jeeze, it's not like I've never been called that, especially for what I write. Shit, one less person I have to worry about offending!? You're actually doing a favour by verbally abusing me! Please, feel free to make yourself look retarded by chosing vulgarity over intelligence. FUCK!! FUUUCKK!!! At the right time, vulgarity can be quite effective, yet used at the wrong time, it can make you look like a flaming fucking idiot.
I don't want to go to school and I don't want to go to work. One I HAVE to do, the other I can get away with because my marks are top notch. Why do I feel this way? I think it has something to do with my unnatural hate towards humanity. I just hate going out. Everything I try, it's just ripped away. My individuality. Everything! It's like I'm nothing! All of the things that I've tried, that I've done to try and be myself and be stylish and unique all at the same time have been ripped away from me and immitated or called retarded. No one will ever understand... I don't blame you.. I just hate it. I have more clothes than I can fit in my closet and I don't feel good in any of them. I just want to curl up in a corner and never get up.. I don't want to explain myself to anyone. If you don't understand something I said on my website... fucking do a google search or something, because I don't feel like answering your questions. Seriously, if you ask me something, you'll wonder why I'm being so rude.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to lead a happy and productive life when all the time I just have this urge to kill myself, to get away from everything? It's always so painful. I try so hard to resist, and I take a bath or something to relax, and it just doesn't do anything. I feel so heavy when I go to bed. I only ever have nightmares, or extremely uncomfortable dreams. I only ever see shit in this diseased reality. I hate everything. No one helps, no one knows what to do or how to act. No one has any idea how to act or react. I've never asked anything from anyone, and yet so many people have come forward trying their own little brand of psychology, and I just don't want it! People just can't seem to understand that it's not going to go away, that it's a disease so STOP TRYING!
It seems like whenever I find something that I'm really enjoying or beginning to anyway, something happens that stops it from continuing. People interfere, cause problems, hurt me or someone close to me, just do everything in their power to fuck it up and I'm sooooo sick of it. Fuck off. I don't know how else to say it. Just leave me the fuck alone. Let me be me and have what I have without trying to fuck it all up.
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear my crown of shit
On my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
I've tried so many things to be happy. Time and time again, I just end up back where I start. In a hole. That's not a sexual reference, it's a symbol for depression. I don't know what to do ... if I didn't have to work, I wouldn't go tonight. I would just sit inside and feel sorry for myself. It's what I do best afterall. I have no idea what there is left to write but I want to keep going...
What's with no one being able to keep their mouths shut? It's like a lost art. Why does everyone have to spread rumors, say private shit, and generally be untrustworthy. I honesly don't think you can trust anyone ever. You may think you can, and you may think that someone never lies, but you only think that because you haven't caught them yet. I hate it so much how I have to worry about what I say to who, because they might giggle like a little girl and start telling people for no reason at all, or for not a good enough one. I tell Linzie some private things, things I wouldn't even put up here, and I really don't want her telling anyone these things. Think she respects me and keeps it to herself? Not a chance! It's gonna be hard but I really have to be careful about what I say around her, because she'll probably fuck me over if she gets the chance. I don't understand why, it just seems to come natural to most people. It's like I'm back in highschool again!! God I can't wait until Linzie get's out of there. It'll free me of any connection to the fucking little kids that go there, and that way I can surround myself with only those I wish too, and not have to worry about people I shouldn't have to.
It's funny because if anyone reads this, I bet their going to talk shit about me behind my back about it, and then I'll find out and they'll just proove me 100% correct about everything I wrote. I love it. People are out to prove to me that humanity is amazingly retarded. You just wait, I'll keep you updated about who should grow up. I'll make an official list or something, of people who lack courage to speak directly to me, but think their tough shit for saying something to someone who knows me.
Oh well... I hope you're all fucking happy. You fucking pieces of shit.
2834 words
1 Comments
Timeline
- I lived with Ben on Cartier
- I was with Linzie
- I worked at Pizza Hut
1 Comments
January 01, 2000
It's funny how right you were...
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