October 06, 2002 1:13AM
Blanker
I feel sick again. What's new. I feel neusious that's about it. Which might be good.. I'll just drink Coke until I vomit.
You know I can't think of an approriate introduction so I'm just going to jump right into it. I feel like I can't complain to anyone anymore. I almost feel like I can't TALK to people anymore... and it's starting to bug me probably because I'm sick of the same thoughts going around and around in my head and it's comforting or at least helpful to complain to people. I don't know if you people realize or not but I've got a lot wrong in my head especially lately so I obviously have a lot to complain about. Self pity? Perhaps either way I don't give a fuck what you think.
The person I would go to first and probably still will go to if I really just need to complain about shit would be Linzie but since I do it so much I feel like she is sick of hearing it or that I'm just an annoyance because I KNOW (for a fact) that if someone was to talk to me about the same things I always talk about I would HATE them; they would be so fucking annoying I would probably start avoiding them. I have a hard time getting THAT out my mind. Everyone else well.. I either think they don't give a shit or that I'm just an annoyance either one it's most likely true. People are polite which I can appreciate but I feel bad for making them listen to my problems over and over again knowing that what they have to say probably won't fix anything or make it better.
Whenever I talk to people I always seem to steer things in the negative direction. It's just the way my mind works I guess. So I feel isolated by me and I can't get around it. I feel far away from everyone especially after last night no one feels like they should feel. It was like I was thrown in this alternate universe where I'm the same but all my friends have been put in different roles and directions because of different consequences and I feel like don't belong in this reality and I really want to go home. Make sense? Amusing? Thank you I came up with it all myself. The funny part is the whole time I was typing that I couldn't stop thinking of Dr. Samual Becket.
When I complain on here (which is pretty much what I do 100%) I don't really think of it as talking to people because I don't even know if people are reading it. I know one person who goes everyday an two people who go if I remind them other than that I've no idea if people are even seeing this. So I don't feel guilty about complaining... which leads me to my next paragraph.
My mood swings are somewhat reappearing. Throughout the day I think I noticed two or three of them pretty bad ones. Twice I wanted to die. Like I really wanted to grab something sharp and stab it into my forehead. A few other times it just made me lay down and feel like shit. This isn't a good sign because I can't stand the mood swings and depression attacks. Last time I almost did something regrettable and I just can't handle myself when I get that way and I don't want something bad to happen. I know you people reading either think I'm completely full of shit and am just talking out of my ass or you're sick of hearing about this but I'm not exagurating or anything.. I can't stop hating me.
So I don't want you to feel sorry for me something about pity just doesn't do it for me all I want from people is to actually think they're sincere when they express concern for me cause most of the time it just seems like it's cliche bullshit terms everyone uses whenever someone is down. They've got no specific thoughts or comments. It's bugs me. Because it's really like saying: I care but not enough to actually take a second to think of something worthwhile to say.
I'm probably pissing a lot of people off right now.. so perhaps I'll stop.
Yesterday I went to see Tiger Army!!! and the Damned. After school Linzie and I met Ally at the back of the mall and we went and purchased some spicey fries from our local grocery and food provider and cooked them up reeeaaal nice for us. We ate and ate them and hung out and ate them and hung out. When Ben came online I made fun of him for not coming and told him how disappointed everyone was that he wasn't coming and he changed his mind and came. He drove over and then we hung out. *cough* This isn't a very exciting story... *cough* Then Owen came online figured out what we were doing and I forced him at monkey point to come over. Which he did. In his Police shirt!! I love that shirt... Anywho after the O-Meister got here we all walked over to Allys house cause she had to get her ticket and stuff or things or something and from there we caught a bus downtown.
Once downtown we ran into Ruth right away and forced her to come using abnormal amounts of peer preasure. From Attic Books (Ruths work it's awesome) we went to Speed City to find out that the tickets to Tiger Army were sold out *shakes fist* After that we all sorta wandered around downtown in the semi-rain eventually landing at Stobies for a pizza and then Call The Office during the Turrential downpour. After I became nausious from claustriphobia Linzie Ben and I went to Galleria and played around in the elevator. Two of us would stay in the elevator starting at the bottom floor and the one would race us to the top. It was fun.. At one point Ben and I kept opening the doors as they were closing some hug alarm went off and the doors wouldn't open (as in they were closing and putting a foot in the way didn't stop them we had to pry them apart with our hands to get out).. That was amusing.
We went back to Call The Office and stood in line and blah blah blah who fucking cares. The show was great. Well better put Tiger Army was great. The first band was okay but lacked energy. Tiger Army was awesome worth the $20. The Damned didn't live up to expectations. They didn't put on a good show they're music seemed to all sound the same and.. yup. During The Damned I was tired and didn't feel like standing so I went and sat with Owen at our booth and I had an awesome time with him. We kept making each other laugh at these stupid stupid things. Like I kept giving him middle fingers in new and creative ways ah. I hadn't had a good time like that in a while.
Anyway 1am came along and I didn't have a chance to say by to anyone other than Owen and Linzie and I were off. When I got home I felt like shit both physically and emotionally and I don't remember any of it at all. I just remember waking up this morning.
It's funny the more depressed and 'out of mind' I get the longer and longer my daily entries get. What A FUCKING AMAZING DISCOVERY. Fuck you.
Linzie came over and woke me up this morning around 12:30 or so. We spent a good deal of the afternoon just sitting around. Watching a bit of Quantum Leap and playing a bit of WarCraft III (losing a lot which actually contributed quite a bit to me being depressed). At some point we went out and bought chips and coke for the weekend. When it started to get dark out and I was bored we started a game in Final Fantasy Mystic Quest somewhat of an introduction to the RPG genre (the best gaming genre). We actually played a lot.. two hours of game time. Half way through those two hours we walked to 7-11 and bought lots of candy and stuff. I didn't even eat any of mine. When I got home I wasn't in the best mood and mood swings usually make me lose my appetite (which I did.. duh.. moron). Then at 11:30pm we watched the season premier of SNL with Matt Damon and Bruce Springsteen. It was hilarious. They've started doing a lot more commercial parodies (like they used to do) and they were funny.
At 1am Linzie left and I again had a mood swing into the pits of depression. When I started writing this I felt like shit. I was suicidal and couldn't think. After writing all this I feel a bit better. Not enough though. Everything in my world seems to be changing or IS changing at a time when I need 100% stability and familiarity it's really not good for me.. It's making me worse but that's just completely selfish.. so.. what am I supposed to do. I don't even feel like I have friends anymore. Like I said above no one seems the same I feel like I don't belong here.. help me.
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Timeline
- I lived with my Mom
- I was with Linzie
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