Excessive

Okay, I think I'm tired. I'm pretty sure that I'm really tired. Obviously not tired enough to just lay down and fall asleep, but tired enough that it's becoming hard to concentrate when doing things, and more specifically, making it difficult to even watch tv and feel okay.

Today was actually pretty relaxing if I do say so. I worked from 8am to 4pm, and there was nothing going on during the day, only a wedding at night, with hors, reception food, and then a wedding buffet for 100 people. I spent the entire day just getting all of that ready, at my own pace, it was a relaxed atmosphere and felt good. I took a cab home, mostly because I have to work tomorrow and wanted as much time to relax as I could get, and taking the bus home takes over an hour usually, sometimes more, so I forked over the money and just took a cab home.

I feel like crap... I have a bad headache, and my body was really sore from work. When I got home from work, I was uncomfortable but I decided to try my best to relax. I sat down and played a couple levels of Phantom Brave but almost fell asleep while playing, so I had to stop just because it was difficult to relax and feel comfortable when I felt that tired.

Today was as stressful and terrible as I had predicted.

Okay, so maybe I'm exagerating, but it was still a run around, rushing, stressful time, and I knew it was going to be, and I felt like I was the only one who noticed how little time we had. I hate when that happens, when I feel like the only one worried. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack.

I feel good but I'm worried. I've been happy, as I've mentioned, but with each day my mind is getting faster and faster and harder to keep attention on things. I spent all of today going from game to game because nothing could keep my attention and nothing felt fun or interesting, I just... sat... at my computer and tapped my foot super fast non-stop and felt crazy. You could say, "well at least you aren't depressed" but... this isn't much better. I will try to keep it in perspective and enjoy the fact that the last two or three days have been very enjoyable for me, and I've enjoyed peaceful time playing games that I haven't felt in what seems like forever.

I have my down times and my not so down times, and recently, very recently, I seem to be on the up, and it's strange, because it's not like I gradually go from one to the other - no - it's quite the opposite, I snap into one, into the other, up and down without warning or predictibility. I thought the world was ending late last week, I felt like all hope was lost and I was so stuck in my own head, I was insane and obsessive and tortured. Saturday I had a hangover and it was a terrible day full of suffering, but something in that, something that I don't know seemed to have snapped me out of it, it's not like I gradually changed, I was a horrible mess one night, and the next night I was relaxed and enjoying some games and tv.

Changes

• Rewrote the recent activity code from the ground up. It now merges activity without issues, does so faster and more reliably. Due to this rewrite, several related bugs have been resolved and the recent activity feature is now finally working as intended (I hope).
• The progress icons beside the recent activity notices are now links to editing the game, if you are the owner of those games.

Friday was a terrible day for me. I wish it hadn't been... May 13th was my Mom's birthday and while I did find time to wish her a happy birthday multiple times, my entire day was spent in my head, going crazy and like... just, trapping myself in this horrible place where it kept piling on and piling on. It really felt like the world was crashing down around me and nothing else mattered. I wasted the entire day, it was a mess...

It feels like I have a giant weight on my chest and I can't breathe.

Work was stressful. I feel... useless. I feel like an outsider, I feel like I've started a new job, I feel like I'm not pulling my weight, like I'm getting in the way. I was getting really upset, really frustrated, it seemed everything I was doing, everything was wrong. I used to be good at my job - maybe not - but I felt like I was good at my job, and that was important because since I didn't second guess myself, I got work done quicker. I felt so shitty today, so angry at how out of place I felt, my mind was kind of shutting down and then Jon wouldn't let it go and kept asking me what was wrong and trying to give me motivational advice, but I just wanted to be left alone to work through it. Eventually Julie came in and we had got our stuff done, so she just yelled things at me she needed done and that put me in a better mood because I can do those things fine and she generally appreciates the stuff I do and sometimes even compliments it, and after that my mood got a bit better and the second half of the day I was okay.