Excessive

I'd like to begin this entry with a string of highly thoughtful and clever sentences, showcasing my intelligence and wit, and yet I sit here staring at a blank text box, unsure of what to say, or even where to start. Intelligence, it would appear, will not be a contributing factor in this entry.

It was my day off today... a day that's supposed to be, or at least implied to be a relaxing day, a care free or stress free day, however due to a bit of restlessness and a headache/minor migraine-ish type thing, it lead to a less than relaxing day... well, that might be inaccurate, I'm kind of going back and forth on how relaxing the day actually was, because thinking back, I did accomplish a lot of things, especially game related, and you know, that's relaxing right? I got to sit on the couch and play games, that's pretty relaxing right? I felt a bit off though, and I actually had to force myself to do it, force myself through the headache, through the sick feelings, through the restlessness, to force myself to have fun, and that's a different kind of fun. That's not the type of fun that most would associate with the word... no... that's natural, and happens on it's own and is nice and organic; The type of fun I had was planned, structured and meta... I had fun because I was accomplishing small, set goals, not because I actually enjoyed the specific activities I was taking part in, but because I knew they were part of a larger goal, a collection of small steps.

I have all these things in my mind that I want to accomplish... or not even accomplish but work towards, or make a part of my life, just ideas I guess... but then I instantly talk myself out of it, or question why I thought of it in the first place. A few of them I do use... take part in... whatever you want to call it. For example, I want to play through as many of my 360 games as possible this year, without buying any more new games. That's one that I've embraced and started to work towards and I'm actually making progress... it's like they are things I think up that would somehow challenge myself with something, and then I have to prove that I'm capable of making the sacrifice and sticking to something, so I think of lots of these things but never even begin them, or try, and I'm not sure why, and lately - mainly today - I've been wondering why.

For example, sometimes I think to myself... I want to eat better, I want to be more aware of how much I'm eating and how good it is for me, have less late night snacks, or no late night snacks. I'm aware of how bad it is for me to eat so much right before bed, and a lot of it has to do with my sleeping pill that I sometimes take... but also habit and also comfort, I eat late at night out of habit mostly, and I've considered trying to cut down or stop, but I talk myself out of it fairly easily, but I suppose if I came up with some way to track how much I was eating, or game-ify it in someway, that would be the motivation I needed. I've also wanted to work out more, not..work out... but like... be healthier, so I guess that kinda fits into that eating thing I just talked about... it all comes down to having better habits, healthier habits, but I give up before I even start.. I'll have to think about it, how I could motivate myself, and what kind of system would help.

I got up and started my day with making a to-do list, but then almost right away deciding to go to the store, simply because it was so nice out and I figured it'd be nice to get it out of the way early, to maximize my game playing opportunity. I also made a game to-do list, which sounds really OCD and fucked up, but so what? I knew that the only way I would possibly have fun playing games today, is if I had some kind of structure for it, because I was aware of how I was feeling, I was aware that it would be difficult for me to stay playing a game for any extended period of time without losing my concentration and wanting to switch games, so if I made goals like, play x game for y minutes, or complete one mission, etc, I could put in a game, play through the specified goal, and move on to the next game and the next goal. It was a success, and I did play through many different games, making small but permanent progress... Call of Duty: World at War, Bioshock 2 (which I probably enjoyed the most all day), Deus Ex: Human Revolution, Assassin's Creed 2, Fable 2, Burnout Paradise... these were just some of the games that I created goals in and played through and made some progress, even if it was just a little bit.

For dinner I had a really nice beef tenderloin dinner, with a coffee crisp and coffee for dessert, watching Star Trek: Voyager while I ate, and afterward while I enjoyed my dessert. I spent some time on the computer, had a shower, and eventually began playing some more Bioshock 2 (the only game I put in and played more than once today) which was actually pretty fun. I mean... the atmosphere from the first game is pretty much gone, there is no sense of mystery or creepiness, or "horror" and the shooting feels sloppy, clunky and unresponsive, and the heft and weight of being a Big Daddy (spoiler alert) makes it difficult to get into character in my opinion. But there is something about the game that I find attractive, because I got pretty into it when I was playing today.

Afterward, Bekki and I watched Dexter as she was summarizing notes, finishing season four, which was great, although Dexter doesn't kill enough people, but I suppose I can forgive that. That lead up to an hour or two ago, and since then I've just been writing and watching the Daily Show and now Jimmy Fallon.

I work tomorrow at 12pm, until 8pm but I'm not sure how accurate that end time is, as I'm completely unaware of what's happening tomorrow, which I hate, because going in to work without knowing what is about to happen is pretty stressful. Ah well, at least I'll most likely get a ride home tomorrow, which is always nice. I'm gonna head to bed in a second, as the sleeping pill I'm on is really destroying my mind, and I can't think or do anything, so may as well sleep!

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