Excessive

Tomorrow is my Birthday, and it's also my last day at Windermere. I have mixed emotions, and I feel very confused lately about how I'm feeling. The overall emotion is by far fear, just straight up terror about starting a new job, possibly failing, leaving all of my security behind and putting myself out there. There are times when I can taste the adrenaline in my mouth from my fear, and this is just constant, at all times.

I'm terrified to the point of that thing where your mind goes blank with fear, it's all just dark and blurry. Day to day, life seems impossible and like I can barely get through the day, and it doesn't go away. I feel fear and anxiety at all times, and it's nearly unbearable.

So I got a job. It's quite a complicated mix of emotions that I couldn't possibly write enough about. I'm fairly certain that no one could understand me. Sometimes I feel a little alone, sometimes I feel crazy.

The time has come where I believe I should close this site down.

Attempting to come up with work to show potential employers eventually leads back to this URL, and this writing is not the type of stuff I'd like to showcase to them, and thus I think something needs to change in order to protect my privacy and how I appear to people that matter.

I'm having difficulty writing lately, as I always convince myself that any other activity will lead to more relaxation, more satisfaction, and so on, but the reality is that most often the writing will be an excellent tool for me to relax. I've been on and off reading a couple books about managing my... moods or whatever. I don't really like talking about it, it makes me uncomfortable and I don't know how to write about it without upsetting myself. Anyway, both the books have outright stated that writing in some form is one of the best therapies for managing your behavior and mood. I read this and think back to how I felt when I wrote everyday, or even the few memories of feelings I have when I finish a single entry, and I feel emptied out, in the best way possible. It obviously doesn't fix anything, it doesn't change everything but it helps calm my mind and leaves me feeling less insane, and it's important for me to remember that and push myself even harder to write.

Yeah, so it's been awhile since I've written, and I can only blame myself. I've been having a difficult time, as usual, and have been distracted. On a positive note, I've been distracted with at least attempting to come up with strategies to manage my issues... fuck I hate that word. Um, strategies to manage my thoughts and behaviors. I kind of got fed up with not being able to deal with insane manic behavior, uncontrollable insane thoughts, not being able to enjoy my time off, racing heart even when nothing much is happening, and just... I just got so upset, and fed up with my inability to cope with life that I bought a couple books. One is a workbook for Bipolar II, which involves reading about different strategies and methods for dealing with specific obstacles, and then has worksheets which you fill out, come up with answers and apply it to your own life. It's been helpful, when I'm in the right mood, which is kind of a bad sign, because I need it to help when I'm in the worst of moods, when I need it the most. The other book is part biography, and part self-help book, and it's less relatable.

No more drugs, no more nasal spray, I don't think they're helping in the long term, even though they help a lot in the immediate. I'm not sure if I've ever really wrote about my sinus issues, but I should've. It plagues me, and is perhaps the single most troubling and uncomfortable thing that I have to deal with. Most, if not at all times of the day, my sinuses... close. I can't breath through my nose at all, and it can get so bad, so much pressure, that it starts to feel as if I'm choking. A while ago I started to use nasal spray, as it cleared the airways and stopped the sinus 'swelling' (if that's what it is), however, I'm not essentially dependent on it to breath properly, and I don't know if it's because of the sinus problems or because of the nasal spray. I'm using it too often, and although the relief is immeasurable, I don't like the idea of being completely dependent on a substance, and I especially dislike not knowing if it's simply the nasal spray that's causing the issues at this point, because it's never been this bad before.

Feeling things.

Someone said something about blogging... about a diary, about a journal, about writing things down, that made me think to write. It made sense to me, and reminded me of feelings I used to get when I was a good writer. He said that writing things down was like a decompression. It was a way to deposit all of your shit, so that you could get it all out, and then be empty, to finally relax, to be done with it. It does this sometime, and I remember that, I think that's why I'm writing right now, and why I keep writing and why I enjoy it.

I drank more than I wanted to last night. It was the staff party, and I almost didn't want to go, and wasn't in the greatest mood. We went with the plan of only spending the $20 we got back from getting in (ticket refund) and that would be that. I wanted to leave early, and you know, just... be normal. I was super nervous going, and didn't feel good, the entire thing felt wrong.