Excessive

I used to take sleeping pills a lot... like every night for a year, maybe two years, maybe even more than that. I used to take them and then still not be able to sleep, but a strange thing happens when you don't sleep but you've taken two sleeping pills, you basically get high. I used to unintentionally get high, and then sit down and write long, detailed, interesting entries on this website. That's where it came from, and that's why I can't do it anymore. I used to be so open, so honest, so aggressive, I used to have no problem writing paragraph after paragraph but now, I struggle to even write enough to justify submitting. It's weird to think that I can only write well when I'm on sleeping pills, and I like to tell myself that that's bullshit, but you know, I really think it's true now.

Anyway, I was just thinking about that today, and felt like writing it down, because it must've popped into my head for a reason, and that's reason enough.

My super awesome holidays of awesomeness are almost over, with only one day remaining before my triumphant return to Fanshawe College for try number two at computer programming. This time, I'm not going to let anything stop me, distract me or get in my way. I'm doing this, and three years from now I can worry about other stuff, for now, it's my main concern. I'm going to do well, I'm going to finish work, projects, homework... well before it's due. I'll eat well, eat healthy, be on time, not be tired all the time, and those things will contribute to my ability to do well in school.

I'm not sure if I'm going to meet people, make friends, or if I'm going to disappear into the back of the room and not be noticed. I think I prefer the latter over the former, and it's what I'll be doing when I first go in... try not to be noticed, keep my head down, and just do the work required. I think I'm going to do really well, and of course, I'll try my best to keep everyone aware of what I've been doing in school, and how I feel I'm performing.

It's strange, how much things can change... completely and totally different situations and circumstances, and yet, so many things stay the same through it all. It's been something like four or five years since I've cut myself on purpose, and yet, when I get upset, even when those around me don't know I'm upset, the first thing that comes to mind is "I should cut" but I don't. A section of my brain lights up and says, "you're retarded" but that burning desire is there, that feeling... it's indescribable. No matter how much it seems like I have my life in order, I'm still a complete mess. I'm not okay, I'm not doing that well, and the smallest shit can trigger me to feel like a piece of garbage. No matter how much changes, no matter how much I move forward, I'm still the same person inside, and that's upsetting. I guess the difference now is I don't talk about it, I don't mention it, blame other things for it, complain about it, or anything. I distract myself with World of Warcraft, StarCraft 2 and I just... I just go numb.

I took pictures of the sunset sky the other night. It seemed like a storm was moving in, and the sun was going down and I just sat on the couch and stared out the window... it felt magical, I felt innocent, I felt like I had to capture it, so I tried. I haven't looked at the pictures yet, but I plan on doing so after I write this stuff, and I'll probably throw a link or embed an image.

clickity clickity

I think I'm depressing myself with thinking. I guess that's the problem with writing, it flows out of me and I don't even know where it's coming from, I just let it come out. Is it my soul, is it made up, who knows. I just write, and write, and write. I feel real low at the moment, and I don't think the National is helping much, but I feel... homesick.

My plan for tomorrow is to finish up any cleaning that I want to do before I start school, as I'll have less free time to think about that stuff, and more time focusing on school, so, I'll try to get that stuff out of the way. I want to do laundry but I'm not sure if I can because Michelle will be home.

I'm going shopping with my Mom on Wednesday after classes to get random things, like a few clothes and some food... I'm looking forward to that as it's been awhile since I've really spent any money. I've just been saving up since May or something, so it'll be nice to get a couple things. She's going to pick me up from school, and we'll go from there... that reminds me, I'm not sure if she's driving me to school on Tuesday or not, I should really find out considering it's Monday tomorrow.

It's 2:32am and I'm not really tired but I know I should be in bed. Staying awake at this point is only going to make me more sad and yet I keep inflicting the pain on myself. Maybe I'll watch TV and zone out... I never do that anymore.

I guess the downside to having a bunch of time off is that you go completely fucking crazy because you have way to much time to think about all the bad shit and all the regrets you have and all the negative things you hate and wishes you have and you think and think and think and you don't do anything else.. ahhhh.

Am I different? I think I'm not. I don't think people change, I don't think people change.

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