Excessive

I feel like I'm slipping with things... not things, just everything. Things. It's not that bad I guess, like, nothing I can't handle for right now, but I think today was a good day; I think that today I had a moment of clarity and came through for myself, and while this lucidity could last for a day, could last two, it could end before I go to sleep, but taking advantage of it is key to my survival.

I feel like I've let my writing slip lately; I haven't been writing as much, and when I do, I don't write as long of entries or as detailed. I don't feel inspired to bring much creativity to it, and I guess I can understand why, with working so much and school, and all that, it's hard to have the energy to do anything above and beyond what's already required, but I felt... I thought I'd have the strength in me to push through the numbness that follows a long day.

I did accomplish a lot today, even though I was very tired. I didn't really do a good job at writing last night, mostly due to being slightly intoxicated, at no fault of my own mind you, so perhaps I'll try to piece together my already faded memories of yesterday.

I woke up late... that much I remember. Not too late, but I had set the alarm for 6:10am, and must've reset it because I remember waking up at 6:30 and not really thinking much of it. I knew that I was getting a ride with Julie, so I didn't have to call a cab, and we generally go in to work a few minutes late because with the two of us we can get the food out rather quickly. I called to wake her up, and got ready myself, and we went into work about ten minutes late, but it wasn't a problem.

The day was set up to be non-stop work, and while it seemed manageable, it would've been nice to have a slower day for once. We had a busy continental, a busy brunch, a reception at 3pm, and a reception at 6pm, and it was Mike in to carve, Julie, myself and Kyle in to do all the events. It was steady work through the entire day, by the time we had brunch out, we only had a couple hours to get the first reception ready, which was a bunch of crudite, nachos, shrimp... annoyingly prep intensive things to get ready on a day where we are already constantly replenishing brunch food. It was down to the last second pretty much, but we eventually got everything done for it.

As soon as that bullshit went out, we had to immediately shift to working on the second event, which was another reception for 100 people or so, some stupid engagement party, which you know, in most cases wouldn't be stupid, but since I had worked 13 hours the day before, and had already been there for 9 hours, I was starting to get grumpy. The final reception was a dessert table for the 100, which is a bunch of cakes on trays, a bunch of fruit platters, berries, chocolate covered strawberries, truffles and a chocolate fountain, and we worked, and worked, and got it all done, got it organized, it felt good. Julie was giving me a ride home... well, not home, but we wanted to just drive to Wortley Roadhouse, because as I have mentioned before, Mel and Darren both work there, and we figured they were working, and we'd say hi and grab a beer after such a long bullshit day. We were supposed to be off at 5pm, but bullshit after bullshit kept popping up, and here it was 6pm, we were finally wrapping everything up, finally the day was coming to a close, when the servers start bringing in all this food, food that the people running the event had brought in themselves. The servers told us that we had to tray it all up, and we're talking food for 100 people, so this would've taken a long ass time, so Julie was all, "I don't fuckin' think so!" and had to argue and argue with the banquet captain to make it so we didn't have to stay even longer than we already did. Eventually, we won, and we left by 6:30, having clocked in 24.5 hours in two days.

We drove straight to Wortley and as we were making our way in the door, Mel and Darren were sitting at a table on the patio and yelled over at us. It's funny how quickly worries, tiredness, anxiety, stress and all the negative feelings that come from working so much and with so many problems... how fast that melts away when you get somewhere with a friend, or friends, or you get home and do something you really enjoy. Ah, I think I got off track there, oops... so we found them already finished work, enjoying a beer, so we sat down with them and ordered a beer, which we got for free. We had only intended to stay for one beer, but since they're friends with everyone that works there, the server was always near us, and kept asking if we wanted another, at which point one of them, either Julie or Mel would say, "Yes, another for Jordan." and eventually one turned into four.. I think. Yeah, four.

This was a problem, because I had intended to go home and do homework, and try to get caught up, but it's easy to continue to have fun while you are already having fun, so I let myself down in a way, but also had a good time, so... yeah, these are the types of choices I've been making lately. After everyone had finished, Julie and I drove to the Taco Bell drive through, where I got a taco supreme combo or something and I remember only eating half of it haha... ah well... the half tasted good! I was a bit tipsy... I wasn't drunk, and I knew what I was doing and aware, I just felt really... tipsy. Yeah, there might be a better word but I can't think of one right now. I chatted with a couple people, eventually deciding to just go to bed, because I knew that I had school early, and it was getting late. I eventually laid down after taking a sleeping pill, probably around 11pm or something. It really was enjoyable to go out, I felt comfortable and it's always nice to just feel like you belong with people, like you have a place, a spot, you belong to something.

So I was slightly hung over this morning, nothing too bad, I just felt dehydrated and had a small headache, and while it wasn't terrible, waking up at 6:30am is not exactly what I want to do when I feel that way. I woke up and tried to eat breakfast, but since I was somewhat of a pile of shit, I ended up burning one piece of my toast, so I just buttered and put peanut butter on one, only managed to eat half of that one piece, and drank a coffee really fast, before I packed up and left for school. Now this is where the humor comes in, because after arriving at school, after a long, uncomfortable, packed bus ride, I got to the class and it was empty, so I looked on my phone, and yeah... I didn't have school for another hour. I had woken up an hour early, got a bus an hour early, and got to school an hour earlier than I had too... and it's just hilarious that it happened on this day out of any day possible... ugh.

I just went in the class anyway, and used that extra hour to get caught up on my database class, one of the classes I had let myself get behind in, not having done any of the work even though we'd already had three hours of class so far. I actually managed to get completely caught up by the time 9am rolled around and all the students arrived. Communications class was uncomfortable... it's weird that I would describe it as such and you are probably wondering why. It wasn't the content... no, the content is dry and throw away, we learned about how to send emails to people, content and formatting, and that's far from exciting, but no, I felt uncomfortable. I was sitting on my own, instead of beside Calen since I had arrived so early and he arrived thirty minutes late, and I had a couple people sit near me, but... I sat there and I felt... alone... scared even. I felt like a teenager, I felt like I was in night school and I was 17, I felt uneasy... I felt completely alone. it's difficult to describe really... it wasn't that big of deal, it was just really weird feeling.

After communication class, I had Object Oriented Analysis and Modeling, which so far has just been very, very basic C++ review because of some screw up they had during the summer semester, where some students didn't learn what they were supposed to. So we haven't learned anything new yet and it's just been so boring... we have it six hours a week... it's lead to very boring classes... which would be why I'm not going to be attending that class tomorrow, because I don't need the god damn review! After C++, Calen, Mat and myself debated over whether or not to go to Client/Server because we know Evan always records his classes for FanLive, so we could've just watched it later, but we did end up going, mostly because the class was right beside the door we'd need to go through to leave, so it was on the way and surprisingly that was why we stayed. The class only lasted about forty minutes though, and eventually we left, and headed for McDonalds for lunch, before driving us home.

I got home around 2pm or so I think... I made a list of things I wanted to accomplish around the house, but also realized that this would be the only day this week I could do school work at home really, since I work on Tues, Wed, Thur, so it leaves no free time to do anything, and if I do have an hour between when I get home at 10pm or later, and when I go to bed, I will be so tired that doing homework would be a joke. I decided that I would dedicate the afternoon to getting caught up at least, and at best ahead, in all of my classes. It took awhile, but since I got caught up in databases earlier in the day, I focused on client/server, which I did manage to get up to date on, which felt great... it really did take some of the stress and pressure off of me, so I don't feel quite as insane, like my brain is melting. After I finished such major homework, I decided I would then start to work on my to do list, the first item being go to the fucking grocery store and buy food for the first time in something like two weeks, which I really needed to do, as I didn't even have anything to make for dinner at all. I walked there listening to the Morning Stream, which was nice, as I haven't had time to listen to it as much lately, and it's something that brings a surprisinly large amount of joy and calmness to me, I can't even really describe it. When I put that show on, I feel at home, I feel like it's all going to be okay...

Once I got home from the grocery store, I did the rest of my list, which is the same basic stuff I always write about doing, like the obvious stuff, dishes, kitty litter, sweeping and so on, and it felt good to clean up the place as I wouldn't call it messy, but it wasn't clean either. There were a few dishes, and I had some clothes here and there, so I just made sure everything was put away properly and looked nice. It was getting late, and I had put on tomatoes on the stove to cook, so I made spaghetti for dinner around 6:00pm or something (yeah, time flies) and I watched Star Trek: TNG while eating. I didn't eat nearly as much as I thought I would... I guess I wasn't as hungry as I thought, but it kinda made me sad. After like ten minutes, I had only eaten half my spaghetti but I felt like I couldn't eat anymore, so I just made coffee and ate an Aero bar while continuing to watch my episode of TNG. It was pretty difficult to stay awake through the episode, and not because it was bad, because it wasn't, it was good, but I just feel so tired lately. My legs are sore and weak, my mind feels broken, and I'm just... blah. a mess kind of.

When the episode was over, it was already 7:30pm or so, and there was still a bit of school work I wanted to do, so I moved back into the computer room and tried to work on this communication assignment I have, where I have to take a poorly written email and rewrite it to be a well written, well structured email. I tried... I really tried for a long while, but I kept talking to Ally or listening to a song or whatever, I just couldn't concentrate. I actually did manage to get a rough copy done... I plan on expanding it and making it non-retarded, but for now it was enough progress to make me feel good about it. It's due on Friday, and I have to print out a copy of it but I have no black ink (-.-) and no way of getting to anywhere that sells it considering I work everyday, so I'm kinda fucked, and will have to figure something out. I finally gave up working on that assignment around 8:15pm or so, when I decided to have an early night, and go to bed earlier than normal, just because of how tired I am.

I ran a bath and listened to some more of the Morning Stream, shaved and got all clean and squeeky. That's good right? People like squeeky people right? Wait.. what? Shut up.

After my bath, I turned on The Book of Eli, which I've now finished, and really enjoyed. The action scenes were very well done, and I found the story interesting, and open to interpretation... overall I think it was a smart movie. I stared to write when the movie started, and here I am just about finishing when it's over... so you can imagine how long I've been sitting here trying to make my brain stop running so fast. I'll be going to bed after I post this, and hopefully I will have a good sleep.

I have school tomorrow for just an hour, at 9am to 10am, because I won't be going to C++ as it's a waste of time... about as much a waste of time as going to school for a one hour class, but I can't get behind in that class, so I will go... maybe stop at valumart on the way home as they sell certain things I can't get at No Frills, and then have a good, big lunch, and then head to work, as I work from 2pm to 10pm tomorrow, so I will need to stay energetic and hydrated, or I will die. Tomorrow is going to be a long day, but hopefully I wake up in a good mood, that would be really nice.

I've been all over the place lately, feeling random things, up and then down, filled with rage and anger, then self loathing and abusive. I've been drinking more, I've been ignoring things, I've been super excited and super happy, it all is a lot to take. Maybe I will even out soon, well... actually I know I will... but hopefully it evens out nicely. Again, I hope tomorrow goes okay, and I hope that I feel good.

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