Excessive

It's been raining all day... it's funny, because it's kind of mirrored how I've felt, and it never rains all day, but it's been pouring rain, non-stop, all day. I've felt a wide range of things today, from bad to worse, to bad again, and it's even been impossible to enjoy the rain, something that I usually love.

I need to sit down and figure out why I'm feeling the way that I'm feeling. It seems like too much right now, and maybe it is, but I know that my mind will clear at some point, whether it be days from now or when I wake up, at some point I won't feel like a heavy weight is on my chest and I'm headed towards an undesirable end. I know that I'm letting myself down and I know that I'm not doing as well as I should be, in that it's a pretty difficult cycle to escape. I know on the surface some of the things that upset me, or trigger certain feelings, I know that there has to be more to it than that, and I did sit down today and write in a book, trying my best to spit out what was racing through my head. It helped a bit... I caught my breath anyway, but over all I had a very disfunctional day.

I had no breakfast, and I only had two bites of a caesar salad, as I couldn't seem to stomach anything. For dinner I ordered pizza, but it took over an hour to arrive. For the entire day I sat on the couch, and you know... not much else. I tried all day to make myself feel something.

I hope things start to even out for me soon.

I've got school tomorrow morning, which might be the thing I need to snap back to semi-normal, maybe it will... I don't know. It will feel so good, I've been through this same crap so many times, you'd think I'd learn. I also work tomorrow right after school again, which I don't like at all. Not being able to go home and drop my stuff off first, and especially not being able to eat lunch or dinner is probably some of the stuff contributing to my state of mind the most.

That feeling you get in your stomach before you have to give a speech in front of a class or bunch of people... high blood pressure, butterflies... that's how I've felt all day, it's what I can't seem to get away from. It leaves me feeling detatched and far away, and quiet. I'm going to try my best to stay calm and quiet and come up with ways to maybe help my spirits. I will try my best to not let work get me down, and I will try to make a plan as to when I will work on school, especially homework, which I'm easily getting behind in having no time to work on things, as usually the drop boxes close while I'm at work.

I need to clean my house, I need to get ahead on school work, I need to create a solid, unbreakable routine. The problem, perhaps, recently I've been all over the place, with random work shifts, random social outtings, no time for dinners or outtings to the grocery store, these are things that add up to be a lot of instability. I know that it will be difficult to have a set routine, because my work shifts will never be the same each week, but I should be able to stick to a somehwat regular routine that can adjust to whiever days I have off. I think I can do it... just gotta be strict with myself, don't think about anything, try not to talk to anyone. I'm done with trying to find happiness, and now I will start working on finding contentment, just... the ability to get through the day, where if happy is a 10 and upest is a -10, I'd love at a zero for as long as I can.

I took a sleeping pill a long time ago and still don't feel it at all, it's kind of disappointing as I wanted to be asleep by now really... ah well. School in the morning and hopefully the day goes by quickly. I can already tell I'm not going to enjoy work, but... maybe I can suffer through it and it'll go quickly.

746 words