Excessive

So I got a job. It's quite a complicated mix of emotions that I couldn't possibly write enough about. I'm fairly certain that no one could understand me. Sometimes I feel a little alone, sometimes I feel crazy.

I had an interview at place who had posted an ad on Kijiji. It was kind of a shot in the dark, as the job wasn't posted on the HRDC or related websites, but instead in the job ads on Kijiji, and I figured it was either fake or creepy in some way. My application was replied to quite quickly and we arranged a meeting to discuss the job. It was super informal, but I was nervous.

That's the thing about me. Even at the most relaxed times, I am so anxious that I feel like my heart is going to explode. More often than not, when faced with a situation that would normally make someone anxious, my anxiety goes into overdrive and I tend to shut down, and can feel the effects for a week or more. I had to sit on a bench across the street for a few minutes... I called my Mom and she talked to me. I had taken a xanax or two to calm down so I don't really remember the conversation.

My interview went well, surprisingly. I was as relaxed as I could be, and my interviewer was laid back and easy to talk to. He described the job, we talked for about an hour, and finally he showed me around the relatively small office. He mentioned as I was leaving that quite a large project was in the works and that he would have to take care of that before being able to contact me with a decision.

A few weeks went by and I received an email from him telling me that I hadn't been forgotten. I knew that getting the job was a possibility, but I didn't really think I would. I figured I was going through the motions of hating my job but not being able to do anything about it. He said he'd get back to me soon.

Another week went by, and he finally emailed me and told me that I was being offered a job. My very first reaction was a smile, and then very quickly terror.

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