Excessive

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I want it to pour; I want it to pour rain until everything is soaked in water. I want the rumbling of thunder and the shock of lightning. I want it bursting in the skies and raining forever. I want the refreshing feeling of a slight mist coming through the open window on a warm night. I want to hear the splatter of rain as it hits the pavement... I want to feel fucking okay for once, and feel relaxed and feel good about what's going on around me.

Days like today are the exact reason why I hate going to work. Days that are like today are why I hate where I am and what I'm doing, and how I have no control over my life. I can't choose where to live, I can't choose what job I have, I just have to stick with what I have and if I don't like it well than that's something I have to deal with and it's just not fucking fair in any way that I was stuck with all this shit on my shoulders. It makes me want to attempt to punch through the concrete wall just to release some energy. Nothing seems to help making me feel better... it's much easier to ignore it when I have company over, or if I have someone to cling onto as I fall asleep, but it's all still there when they leave, and it leaves me feeling so useless because I can't do anything. There's just something building up inside me... I think it might be hatred, but I'm not sure what it's directed at yet... people keep saying that they're proud of me, my Mom, my Dad, my doctor even... but what are they proud of? basically just the fact that I haven't attempted suicide this time around and ended back in the hospital. I guess I can be proud of that... but I don't know... I am doing well... but inside I know things are fucked up.

I had a doctors appointment this morning at 11:30... it was basically just a counselling session, we talked about a few things (private you fuckers) and I have to go back whenever I can to get my blood work done (once a month or more! woot! I actually like it). The appointment went for awhile and I was late for work by a few minutes... fuckers are going to count it against me probably.. I'll have to email goga about it... so that was a great way to start the day. Most of work was okay, the second have really sucked... I had been qualitied and seemed to have failed horribly and was pretty much made a fool of numerous times by a few people and it made me want to punch them in the face and then slit my wrists and squirt blood all over them. fucking mother fuckers. I hate them all.

this is bam.

Anyway... I walked home from work. Yes... from about Fanshawe College to a bit south of downtown I walked because my doctor told me that it might help me fall asleep and feel more rested each night, since now I don't think there's much of a difference between sleeping during the night, or if I had just stayed up. I walked home with Mark and we saw a strange purple light, so we decided to walk until we came to it, and it was about a two mile walk and it ended up being a shop window on Richmond (thats a far walk!) and yeah... we ended up at the dissent for beer, and then finally home. It took me about two and a half hours to walk home, and I walked in at about 11:30pm. Do I feel tired? Barely.. I think getting soap in my eyes when I had my bath made me feel more tired than that whole walk. But I know that if I don't try to go to sleep soon, I'll never be able to get up and feel good (not like that's gonna happen anyway.. I dread work. I HATE IT I FUCKING HATE IT!). So I'm going to flip on Last Call and lay in bed for awhile until I feel tired.

Good night everyone.

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