April 18, 2004 9:41PM
Totally Fucked
Friday night Linzie, myself and Sarah went over to celebrate Kimmy's birthday, but Kimmy ended up leaving shortly after everyone arrived because she wasn't feeling well, and it ended up being just Teresa, Sarah, Linzie and myself, with Maggie stopping by near the end. We didn't do much of anything really... just listened to music and laughed about stuff. Linzie played a little Dr. Mario. She lost a lot... hehe.
The next day was spent mostly sleeping and/or feeling dizzy. I spent most of it in bed... Linzie went downtown for me to get Alexisonfire tickets. Afterwards we went over to her house to eat supper and watch some TV. Eventually we came back to my place, and fell asleep after awhile. I watched SNL, and eventually fell asleep on Linzie afterwards... until 2:30am when she woke up and went home, and then I couldn't sleep and felt alone. So, I got up and talked to Ally a bit, took some sleeping pills and eventually fell asleep again.
Today was spent being lazy again. I had hamburgers for supper, and watched a few episodes of the Simpsons. I have a project due in C++ and I have no idea how to do it and no one seems to answer me if I ask questions, so I'm totally fucked. I guess I'll just throw in as much bullshit code as I can and hope I get partial marks. That's better than not doing it at all...
I made a new application titled Directory List 3, which creates an output file (either TXT or HTML) of the subdirectories in a specified base directory. As you can tell by the "3" in the title, I've made other versions of this (1, 2, Gold and now 3), the first three being in VB and now this version in C#, it runs noticebly quicker and with many many more options. I created it for a pretty simple task, but there wasn't anything I could think of that could do it, so I made my own solution. You see, I store all my music files on my desktop computer, and access them from my laptop through my network. So when I open my main music folder, containing all my music subfolders sorted by Artist, the windows Network Explorer takes upwards of two to three minutes to load it because of all the files. So I wanted to make a simple webpage that lists all the artist folders found in that directory and made them linkable, so I could just pick the one artist I wanted to view, without having to wait for everything to load... and so I created Directory List 3, which can be used for many other things, but works perfectly for what I had inteded. I've already had a few people test it and so far it seems to be running pretty well on others machines. I'll be making a page for it on this website, and it will be available for download if you want to fool around with it or if you have an actual use for it, either way, it'll be done in the next week. All you need to run it is the .NET Framework runtime files, which should be installed on your machine if you use Windows XP or have .NET installed.
Right now all I want to do is lay in bed and listen to music with Linzie, but she has homework to do and I'm waiting for Linux to reboot so I can attempt to bullshit my way through a project (that isn't worth THAT much now that I think of it). *sigh*
Also, the Fetish Masquerade board is back up, so go there. now. http://www.prettygods.com/board
Continued - 11:40pm
I'm failing at everything in life. School, I have no job, I'm running out of money, I'm pissing everyone off, losing friends, losing self respect (the little that I had) and I have no solutions. I just curl up in a ball and tell myself that 'it's all going to be okay' but without a plan, or a solution, I'm just lying to myself, over and over again. Taking too much medication only to numb the pain of real life and make myself believe my own lies easier. I'm going to disappoint everyone, especially my Mom, and I'm going to totally fuck up my plan and everyone elses plan.
Sometimes I don't see any other solution except suicide.
Continued - 12:21am
These lyrics (which are amazing.. very amazing) are all from the same band. Can you guess what band? and if you can, can you tell me which songs these lyrics are from? First one gets a prize.
I close my eyes and I see a freak, I think it?s me and I?m afraid to speak
I keep on going from week to weakness way out in a line.
I dream of lives we could have had before, but the heat is broke down open doorways.
Friends of yours will tell me more what happens in your mind
I go home to the coast,
It starts to rain,
I paddle out,
On the water,
Alone,
Taste the salt and taste the pain,
I'm not thinking of you again,
Summer dies and swells rise,
The sun goes down in my eyes,
See this rolling wave,
Darkly coming to take me,
Home,
And I never been so alone,
And I've never been so alive
And there's a demon in my head
Who starts to play,
A nightmare tape loop of what went wrong yesterday,
And I hold my breath
'Till it's more than I can take,
And I close my eyes; I dream that I'm awake
It's all in your mind,
She said
The darkness and the light,
The clock, it bleeds for you
But you never got the time in right,
I woke you up
And I slit the throat of your confidence,
And we laughed in the night,
And I felt all right,
...
I woke you up
And I slit the throat of your confidence,
I'm the one for you,
'Cause I know all the dirty things
You like to do,
I'm the fear in your eyes,
I'm the fire in your flies,
I'm the sound that's buzzing around your head,
Thanks a lot
The angry boy,
A bit too insane,
Icing over a secret pain,
You know you don't belong,
You're the first to fight,
You're way too loud,
You're the flash of light,
On a burial shroud,
I know something's wrong,
1087 words
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Timeline
- I lived with Ben on Cartier
- I was with Linzie
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