May 04, 2003 11:11PM
of Self Loathing
I have been having a bit of trouble lately... I guess it's just MY time of the month.. er.. bimonth.. or something. I think I just may be at the bottom of the cycle right now.. oh how I long to be at the top again. I keep having these.. fits.. mental fits, I've come to call them mini-breakdowns or some other descriptive word, I don't know... but anyway, what happens is I get even more depressed, while I am depressed. Lately, I've been on the bottom, so then, out of no where, I'll dig a nice hole for no reason and jump in and torture myself and beg Linzie to help me out of the hole, which is too much to ask of anyone, I have to rely on myself. So, these little breakdowns are quite crippling... happened once at work a few days ago, and it constantly happens here at home... it really fucks me up.
Not only that but I am really quite scared to go to sleep now. I have horrible, horrible nightmares constantly, every single night. Everynight.. it is so hard.. I never want to sleep again, but then my sleep gets out of whack and I end up even more depressed.. I hate it. I want it to stop... I've wrote a lot about it in my personal journal, maybe I'll write up the description I wrote for everyone... but not now, it's all the way in my room!
I work tomorrow... boo to only having one day off... it feels like such a short time. I don't work Friday which is cool I guess, cause Fridays are always busy, so not having to work will save me some stress.
Nothing much else to talk about really... night all.
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Timeline
- I lived with Ben on Cartier
- I was with Linzie
- I worked at Pizza Hut
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