December 28, 2002 6:44AM
Summary
So I've come to the conclusion that some of the stupidest people in the world; I think it's fair to say with confidence that there are quite a few of them; but some of the dumbest, most pathetic people in the world are those who attempt and even worse, get on to the 'becoming' show on MTV/MuchMusic. Holy crap, what a poor excuse for a dream. I mean, why don't you people try to come up with your own hopes and dreams, make a name for yourself and be something, rather than admiring someone so much that you actually want to b er them. That's creepy to a point where it should be illegal. I just saw a commercial for it; that's what made me spew this filth from my noise tube. It made me sick to see... it really did.
So you're probably wondering how my Christmas was... unless you're a bastard, then you're just thinking about the presents you got. What a bastard. I hate you. But my Christmas was... acceptable I guess. The few days before Christmas on the other hand was no where near enjoyable. Near death perhaps, but not enjoyable. I had a very hard few days and I even scared the living shit out of myself, but it's safe to say I'm okay now... is that all that matters? As for Christmas itself, it depressed me. I don't know if it was mostly because of the stuff I went through right before Christmas, or just Christmas itself, but I really really got depressed. More so than I have been in a long time. Even now I often get feelings of depression, but it's a lot easier to fight them off.
My Christmas Eve consisted of sitting around the coffee table with my Mom, Lindy and Dustin. I really wanted Linzie to be there with us, but due to her parents religious beliefs, she had to attend church. I opened my presents, as did everyone. I got socks and underwear and two candle holders. I also got a stocking which was Shampoo, blistex and a bookmark. We ate some chips, drank some egg nog and eventually I went downstairs.
My actual Christmas day was driving to Hamilton, sitting in my grandpas (and sleeping for an hour) and then eating a turkey dinner, followed up by leaving shortly after. It was nothing special and again, I would have loved to have Linzie along, quite a bit actually but she was unable to do so.
I just want to break out of this depression. I can literally feel myself sink lower and lower and then fight to get back up... I can feel it inside me. The last two days I had to work, and both times I had a really hard time. I was weak because of things that transpired a few days earlier, and I wasn't in a good mood at all. I've been suffering from horrible tooth aches lately and it's really really starting to hurt me... and it's probably not helping with the whole feeling crappy thing. The first day that I got to spend with Linzie after being away from her for two days was amazing. All the feelings of hate, depression (and the list goes on) just disappeared instantly when I placed my eyes on her. The smile on her face broke right through me and warmed me... *sigh* I love her. I've been an asshole these last few days, mostly because I'm exausted of putting up with my own bullshit (mentally) and I just have no patients and lose my temper really easy. If I didn't love being around her so much, I'd tell her to not come over, to spare her some possible hurting... but I just can't do it.. I love her here. The state that I'm in is really screwing me up; for instance I'll get excited about something; get an idea, or the want to do something and then later I'll get depressed, rethink my idea and think it's stupid, or not cool, or just hate it or hate myself for thinking it. I bought a coat today, from Forest City Surpless. It's just a small, blue coat, with pockets on the arms. I was going to buy a patch or two (of bands I like.. that's right kids) and sew the biotches on. I was excited by this idea. I thought it was great. I thought it would be a very good thing to do, to make my coat a bit more interesting. Now, when I think back on that idea, it just seems so stupid and I hate it and I want it to go away. Is this really how I feel? It's really how I feel now, but am what I am feeling now even real.. oh wait, now I'm not making sense. Jesus... in a few hours, am I going to like the idea again? It's really straining to keep up with. I can pretty much think of anything and get depressed.
I want to be with Linzie. Just BE with her. Not do anything; not say anything. just be. and be happy. and be content. be loved.
Oooh, the Insomnia is back. I've been getting only a few hours of sleep each day... and here I am again at 7:15 not sleeping. I can't sleep. I lay down and I become more awake than before I went to sleep. GET IT OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD. fuck. I have plans today. I can't be tired later. I need to rest now. But I can't. So what do I do? NOTHING. god. I need something. something. something. I need it.
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Timeline
- I lived with my Mom
- I was with Linzie
- I worked at Pizza Hut
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