Excessive

Yeah, this weekend sucked. It took everything out of me, everything I had. I worked again today for 11 hours.. I think... it's kind of hard to remember.

I hate the feeling of jealousy, especially when I'm smart enough to know it's unwarranted, or know that it's stupid. Ah, fucked up emotions, screwed up minds.

Today was a good day, and ignoring the coming days, and ignoring some of the previous days, I will simply live in this moment, and give you all this:

I always write better after I take my sleeping pill, but it's an interesting experience, in that it's like a race against time. I have an amount of time between when I take the pill and the effects begin to show, and when the effect of the pill becomes too strong and I can't think properly, where I can write well. The time can vary, I assume on if I had taken a pill the day before, how much I've eaten, etc etc, and the time can be anywhere from just one hour, to up to three hours. So, writing is kind of like this race against time, where I know that I will eventually stop being able to make sense, so I feel... pressure, pressure to get it out, and I don't like that very much, but I suppose the fact that I have 'too much to write' isn't the worst thing in the world.

I'm trying my best. I don't think my best is good enough.

I feel like shit, like truly and completely like a bag of garbage. I have a headache, I'm tired, I didn't complete my homework, I didn't get stuff ready for tomorrow, and I just feel like total crap. Just looking at this screen is hurting my eyes, and making my head pound.

You would think that today would've been a perfectly relaxing day, but I kept myself so busy that very little relaxing was done. I guess that's pretty normal lately... I haven't played a game beyond a few minutes of Final Fantasy Tactics here and there, I feel a bit occupied. I feel scattered, and chaotic, but still enough free time to feel lonely sometimes, or maybe lonely isn't the right word, I think... isolated may be more accurate.

I worry that I'm not enough for the cats, in that they're used to having two people around, like when I'm away at work, they have someone, or maybe I don't pay enough attention to them, and think about it quite a bit recently. They still follow me around once and awhile, like Kairi still has baths with me and is sleeping behind me right now purring, and they generally surround me while I eat, I dunno... I'm probably just being weird... yeah, I don't think normal people worry about their cats like this.

I think I've waited too long to start writing, I was distracted and time seems to go by so fast when I only have a few hours at home. I had things going through my brain, rushing through my god damn mind so fast that I couldn't keep any kind of structure to them. I see things fly by, I put together sentences in my head but don't seem to hold on to them for longer than ten seconds. It's a frustrating thing in all honesty, as in the three hours I've been at home, I've had an entire entry fly through my head and yet I sit here unable to recall any of it.

It seemed like work today was an intense, anger filled, horrible experience, and looking back, I feel like I could add a few adjectives and it would then be accurate. I went in to work knowing that this entire weekend was going to be bullshit, and awhile perhaps it was a self-fulfilling prophecy, it was true none the less. From start to finish, the day was filled with problems, frustrations and annoyances, and it left me very eager to get out of that place.