Excessive

I've got quite a bit of mixed feelings at the moment, a bit of sadness, a bit of nervousness, a bit of happiness, it's actually really difficult to figure out exactly how I feel.

Mark left yesterday, and it feels pretty weird to be alone in my apartment, especially late at night. Last night it was late and I didn't feel like sleeping, but there was no Mark watching the Simpsons in my living room, and that made me sad.

I have to work early in the morning tomorrow, and that makes me nervous. If I have a day off, that day off always gives me time to get nervous about going back, and it's not a healthy kind of nervous, it's a shitty kind that wrecks everything and makes it so I can't even relax and enjoy my time off. I got more Xanax off of my Sister to help, as in I'll take one before work when I wake up, so that might make it a bit better. I work at 8 or 9 tomorrow morning, so I have to get up at 6 or 7 and eat a big breakfast and get ready and go. My last shift was like that too, day shift, and I'm the only dish washer there, and I have to run between the Cafe and the main kitchen doing all the dishes, and fetch the Cafe chef stuff he needs like eggs or mushrooms, except he keeps calling me names that aren't mine and it pisses me off, and various things happen that make me nervous or make me want to go home or hide, things which I hope are fixed with a bit of Xanax. I am getting some hours though, so that's good, but at the same time it's not very exciting, as Michelle stops her full time work, and together we'll probably still be making less than previously, so we'll actually be poorer than normal, and I won't get rid of any debt, and life will be harder.

I'm so tired when I get home from work... it's both satisfying and horrible. It's satisfying knowing that I worked hard and I get to rest, but horrible because I don't want to do anything but lay in a pile on the floor. Then my days off when I'm feeling rested and I could do things, I get nervous about having to go back to work and I can't do anything, it's kind of like what the problem was when I worked at Stream or Teletech, except I'm actually making myself go to work this time, and generally the nervousness goes away while at work, unless something out of the ordinary happens.

Ben and I have been playing a lot of this free MMORPG called 2Moons, which is basically a World of Warcraft ripoff, without the depth, backstory or polish... but it's free, and that's good enough for me. It has addictive or at least, semi-addictive grinding, and it's something for Ben and I to do together, and soon Michelle will join, and maybe others, so it's pretty fun. I'm gonna post some screen shots for everyone to look at soon.

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