Excessive

I've been stuck in a lull lately.. for the last couple weeks. I can't seem to snap out of it, but today I took the first step (by shaving, of all things).

It all started with the death of my Grandpa, a family crisis if I've ever known one, and that lead to the complete chaos of being out of town for almost half a week, the chaos of trying to come to terms with things inside I've never quite had to deal with, and on top of that, dealing with everything that comes with being around family and a lot of people, and not being in your own house or bed.

Three days after that was over (and when I say over, I mean back in London) I had to go to the dentist, something which I've avoided for years (this is my third visit in a month). I had to get a molar pulled (the very back one on my left)... a long while ago a filling in it broke (I think) and ever since then it's just gotten worse, been infected and made my life miserable. It wasn't worth the thousands of dollars it would've cost (and I have no benefits) so pulling it out was what the dentist recommended. It was actually quite amazing... he gave me pills to take to get rid of the infection and within days I noticed an amazing change in the taste in my mouth/breath. My mouth feels clean and fresh now and that's something that I really appreciate. Anyway, getting the molar pulled was pretty stressful, I mean, that shit isn't growing back ya know? I lost a part of myself forever, and while yeah, it's just a tooth, when you're faced with something like that it's more shocking than you'd think. To deal with the anxiety of getting this done, I took four Tylenol 3's and two Xanex, and it really made it a lot easier. I was joking with the dentist and we were all laughing and the only thing that ever hurt was the second needle in the roof of my mouth, and naturally, that's probably the thing that hurts the most still. My mouth (the area around where the tooth was) is still swollen (at least it feels that way) and I believe the holes where the needles went in are a bit tender. I hope there aren't any complications or anything and that this is normally how long it takes to heal. Anyway, how this relates to my lull... obviously this traumatic experience (traumatic to me) took its toll on me, right on the heels of dealing with the family crisis, and on top of it all, I couldn't eat, or enjoy drinks, or snacks, ya know.. nothing felt right.

The day after the molar was pulled, I got sick. I got a sore throat and a stuffy/runny nose, and I'm still fighting that off. My throat is better but I have congestion and my sinuses are bothering me an awful lot. So here we are almost three weeks since this all started, and I'm still not back into my routine of old, I'm still not feeling good, I'm depressed, I haven't done the dishes, I don't clean the litter, I don't watch shows or eat ham sandwiches, I don't feel happy, I don't want to smile, I don't want to shave or cut my hair... it's horrible. I don't want to feel like this, but it's so hard to fight. I shaved today, and that was my attempt at saying "fuck you" to myself. It's really hard though... so much loss, so much stress... it's really hard to snap back like nothing ever happened.

I haven't even looked at money (rent, bus pass, phone, hydro) and it's something I need to do. I'm glad that Michelle sorta stepped up without me having to say anything. She took care of food and stuff, and I appreciate that, because I'm just useless right now.

I guess I just still don't feel like myself... I guess the TV strike doesn't help at all, since I don't have my nightly shows to watch like normal, which only screws me up more because I'll make supper and have nothing to do while eating.

When I do find the energy to do anything, I've been enjoying Call of Duty 4, in fact it's just about the only thing I've been enjoying lately. All the other games I play just seem to piss me off, but multi-player CoD4 just makes me feel good.

Bah... I guess I just need time to myself to come to terms with everything that's happened and I'll just naturally fall back into the right place. I guess I just hope it doesn't take too long. I want my mouth to heal and feel normal... I want the stuff involving my grandpa to be over (getting stuff from his house) and I don't want to be sick anymore.

I miss my Grandpa, I miss my tooth and I miss being able to breath without sneezing.

I miss the comfort of a warm home, a ham sandwich and poorly made television.

I miss feeling whole.

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