Excessive

i want everyone who reads this to go back one year and read what I wrote. You can skip by the Doom3 part and start at the 'rules of friendship' thing.:

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This is how I used to write.. I used to sound intelligent, speak with meaning, sound sure of myself. I wish I was like that still... I wish I could go back to that day and relive it. I'm so soft now...

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fuck it, im just going copy and paste some of it:

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I've often wondered about the nature of people. It's quite interesting, especially when I look at myself.. and then compare with others. A few things stand out, which are consistencies between everyone, and some things that only appear in specific people.. Why do people change? Why do some change for the worse? While others change for the better? Why is it that some people are so fucking hypocritical that it makes you sick!? It seems to be everywhere lately. I used to think of hypocrisy as a way of wanting better for someone else, while it was already too late for yourself.. okay, so I didn't explain it very well there.. but you can read a little article I wrote about it... here. [People Suck] The first few paragarphs are the ones I'm referenceing. That article was written nearly three years ago, and my views have change significantly. Perhaps what I'm writing here, and the last couple of paragraphs should be a seperate article, apart from an entry, in it's own document, linked from a different page, but I'm writing it here, and at least for this month, this is where you'll be reading it. Back to the topic, everyone are such assholes. They bitch and bitch and bitch about meaningless shit that isn't even worth bitching about in the first place, and then turn around and do the same fucking bullshit right back out, and it's just sickening, because I don't even think they can see it, and if they can see it, that makes it that much worse, because then their just fucking idiots. If you get angry at someone for doing something, please, for the love of god, don't turn around and do the same exact thing a week later.. I mean, how can anyone respect you when you do that? Jesus..

One thing that every single human being should come to realize before it's too late is this: You are completely responsible for your own happiness. How can that be you ask? when so many people and factors can affect your level of happiness? It's simple. It's your fucking feelings, your brain, you interpret things the way you wish and for something to hurt you or take away happiness, you have to let it. Dependencies on others for happiness is never the answer, and will never lead you anywhere, this is something important that I've learned in the last few years. You want to be happy? You find something within yourself that makes you happy or else you're going to be very disappointed for your entire life. If you don't want to hate everyone around you; if you don't want to hate people in general, than you have to make a point to be sure that people don't hate you, or else you'll just recieve the exact same energy you give out, back. If you're an asshole all the time and only ever express negativity, it's all you're going to see in things, all you'll feel in things, and it'll consume you're entire life and you won't even notice it happening. No one is going to want to be near you, hang with you, talk to you, think about you, reference you, or acknowledge your existence if all you ever do is a) bitch b) complain c) be a bitch d) be a bastard e) all of the above and more. You have to be fun and compassionate... and just... yourself. I mean.. yes, everyone gets down, and friends are a great place to get support from, but they shouldn't feel attacked or defensive when you feel like shit. You should be able to genuinley sit down and talk with them about what's going on and act more human, instead of high schoolish.

I'm a very depressed person, anyone who reads this website on a regular basis should know this, and anyone who knows me in real life should know it even better, but ask any of my friends, any single one of them, and ask me if I'm a depressing person to be around. Hell no! Why? Because it's MY depression, I deal with it on my own terms and I invite my friends in to help boost my spirits, to share my time with, and I'm nice back to them for giving me the opprotunity to feel better. I put aside the hate and disgust I feel inside to smile, and the smiles are genuine because I'm a very lucky person to have people who care that much, even if they don't realize at the time what it is they're doing for me. I use my friends as a way to lift my spirits, not as a target for my depressing thoughts. I think it really makes a difference, because they love being around me ( i think anyway ) and that means they're around me more, which gives me more and more chances to make myself happy, and it works.. it really does. Do you know how good it feels to look over in a theatre row, and see three beautiful faces, smiling and talking amongst themselves, and they chose to make me a part of their lives for that two hours, for that split second in their entire life, it was their choice to include me in those memories, and that's a very important thing. I look at each of them and I smile, and I feel love. You don't get those feelings very often, nor do you really notice such events if you are so stuck inside yourself, and all you can see and feel is hate and pain; only if you take a step away from it all will you truely notice beauty.. true beauty. Times like that are easily the most enjoyable in my life, and I would never replace them with anything. I could easily just have been a bitch and stayed in, or created a fight out of nothing, or over reacted to something, but I didn't... because I know how much those smiles, how much that joking around, how much the large butter with extra popcorn is worth to me, and that can't be expressed in mere words.

There is definitley much more I could go into, but I've probably bored you to tears by now, or at least made you consider going to one of your other friends websites to see what they've been up to, so I give you permission to leave now, as I don't think you can survive much more of this. Remember: Don't be an asshole. Be responsible for yourself. and... lighten the fuck up.

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