Excessive

I feel like my mind sabotages itself. Out of my control, without my consciousness being aware of what's happening. After a long week of work, and the last day of it being a brutal attack on my sanity and physical body, you would think the first of three days off would be this unbelievable start to relaxation, and would feel great. The chance to do anything I wanted, no need to worry about time, but without warning or explanation, I feel tired and aimless, I feel like I'm wasting time.

I tried or... I took steps that I believe would help me feel more at rest, and help me feel more calm and in control, which was a to-do list. I wrote down not things that I wanted to do, but things that I figured I should do, and things that I know if I had completed, I would feel some sense of usefulness and accomplishment. Things such as cleaning out the fridge, doing the laundry, washing the dishes, going to the grocery store... I can pick things from the list, and once the list was completed, any time I spent watching tv or playing a game, would make it feel more like a reward, and less like complete apathy. It actually works, it usually does trick my mind, and that's hopeful. I've learned all these things before, but it's easy to be lost in the strange shadows of my subversive mind. It's easy to not be able to think clearly or logically, to forget any and all strategies I've employed to attain a level of normalcy of simply feeling okay.

I do still feel quite isolated - cut off from everything... but I suppose that is the nature of my friendships, and it's been years where I've felt such a way. To feel some kind of connection, to feel like I belong to something, these are things I've given up before, and things that I will work towards in the future, but for now I will simply work on my to do list, as it seems like best thing to do.

352 words