Excessive

I sat down to write about a half hour ago but got distracted with songs and lyrics and forgetting everything. It's nice to take a few minutes to fly away to a far away place.

The old familiar feeling of being alone has somewhat returned after a week or two of distraction. It kind of sucks, but I know with time I will find distractions, find things to take my mind off life.

Today was less productive than I had hoped. I didn't get laundry done, I didn't make a nice dinner, and I didn't get to play much Skyrim. Yeah, those are things I wanted to do today, but didn't get to, and that's disappointing. I'm kind of floating in between feelings of sadness and feelings of being okay. It's weird, it's like my mind can't decide where it wants to sit. I feel like I should be upset, like I should have a bunch of angry and well worded things to say, but I sit here with very little motivation to write much at all. This is actually annoying me more than other things, because writing usually feels good, usually feels safe and comfortable, but I feel... undecided.

I want some deep, introspective lyrics to post, something to express what I'm feeling, or should be feeling. I feel wrong right now, I feel off again. I'm feeling like I don't belong again, which is crazy... I know. I know this and yet I feel this anyway. I so badly want to feel things, to feel warmth and safety, and don't feel anything. I feel cold... I feel resentful and a bit angry. I don't really like it... I don't really feel at home and comfortable. My mind is really preoccupied with things, and I kind of wish I had nothing to think about.

Don't waste your touch
You won't feel anything
Or were you sent to save me?
I've fought too much
You won't find anything
Worthy of redeeming.

Yo he estado aquí muchas veces antes y regreso... (I have been there many times before and I come back)

to...

Break down
and cease all feeling
Burn now
What once was breathing
Reach out
And you may take my heart away!

Imperfect cry
Scream in ecstasy
So what befalls the flawless?

Look what i've built
(Please don't do this)
It shines so beautifully.
(Why won't you look at me?)
Now watch as it destroys me.

Y regreso aquí otra vez y comienzo... (and I come back here again and I start)

to...

break down
and cease all feeling
burn now
What once was breathing
reach out
And you may take my heart away!

break down
and cease all feeling
burn now
What once was breathing
reach out
And you may take my heart away!

I left it all behind and never said goodbye.
I left it all to die.

I saw its birth,
I watched it grow,
I felt it change me.
I took the life,
I let it slow,
Now it consumes me...

break down
and cease all feeling
burn it now
What once was breathing
reach out
And you may take my heart away!

break down
and cease all feeling
burn now
What once was breathing
reach out
And you may take my heart away!

Hear away.

Yeah, I'm not in a good place but I've been much worse. I can tell... or at least I think I can tell that in a few days, maybe a week or two, I will feel okay, or I will at least not be distracted by these same thoughts. I'll be okay, and I will feel content and I will sit on the couch and play Skyrim and think of nothing, and escape into another existence. I will sit and program, I will create something from nothing and care not what others are thinking or doing. I won't be constantly wondering, hoping, longing, regretting... I will simply feel okay.

I went out for breakfast today with Julie, Mel and Darren, to the Family Circle. I got a vegetable omelette with a side of bacon and rye. Afterward, we went shopping at Whiteoaks, where it was mainly just Darren and I hanging out while Mel and Julie shopped in some stores. It was nice to get out I think... I'm not really sure. Is that weird? That I don't know how the experience of going shopping makes me feel? I think it's weird...

Afterward, we went to a staff meeting at work, and eventually I got home around 7pm. I made beef tenderloin for dinner, with mashed potatoes and baby carrots, but I had to force myself to cook it. I was tired and didn't feel like doing anything, and I wasn't that hungry, but I pushed myself to do it, and yeah... probably shouldn't have. I didn't enjoy it as much as I could've, and I had no mushrooms, and my garlic butter had gone bad so I had to throw it out. I know that I should've just had spaghetti, it would've been faster, easier and I probably would've enjoyed it as much. Ah well, live and learn. Sometimes pushing yourself to do things isn't always for the best.

I've got school tomorrow at 9am and then work afterward, which will for sure suck, because it's a gala 3 and a plated dinner, both at the same time, and that makes me not want to go to work at all.

Hopefully I feel a bit better tomorrow, a little less hopeless, and a little more cheerful.

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