Excessive

I don't learn, I don't learn from my mistakes. I'm fighting here not to write another long, drawn out dramatic entry about feelings and disappointment, and I think perhaps the time I've spent being hurt or angry, staring at this empty editing box, it's kind of subsided. I've buried it down perhaps, to come up and bother me at some later point, maybe later in the week, or maybe later in the month... who knows.

I only got about three hours of sleep last night... I'm not sure why but I started to feel very sick when I went to bed. It may be the fact that I ate a plate of spaghetti really fast after I got home from work, or the bag of popcorn I ate with butter melted on it, or the bowl of chips I had only an hour afterward, but when I went to sleep, I started to feel quite sick to my stomach, and I got a pretty terrible and annoying headache, and I was wide, wide awake. I rolled around in agony, not falling asleep until well after 2am.

I had taken a sleeping pill and felt more awake than ever, and it was a terrible experience, it just made today that much more uncomfortable and not enjoyable. I got through the day but I was dead tired almost the entire time, and I was also super thirsty for whatever reason. The day went slowly, and there were certainly frustrations, but I got through the day. I was starving and thirsty and tired, so not much happiness was experienced.

I got home around 5pm, and I was starving beyond belief, but I had no energy or will to make an actual dinner, I thought about it, very briefly, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I had a bowl of chips as I started work on my homework, and that was how I spent the majority of my evening. From 5pm I ate a couple things, and worked on my client/server homework, which I handed in with only two minutes to spare or something retarded. I ate those chips, a bowl of mushroom soup, and a microwaveable pizza.

After I finished my homework, I played about a half an hour of Skyrim before having a bath. It's freezing in my apartment right now, so it felt pretty good to climb into a hot bath. Afterward, I sat down and started writing, and watched Boardwalk Empire. I've got school tomorrow at 9am until 12pm, and I will probably be going out for breakfast. I need to do laundry tomorrow, very badly, and other than that I hope to work a tiny bit on school work but also play Skyrim a bunch.

I just want to feel alive.
And love myself from the in and the outside.
'Cause every time that I start to feel whole,
I knock myself on the ground because it's all that I've known

There is no love.
There's only this:
Just lust and lies, and selfishness.
A black hole where the sun once was.
I'm never falling back in love.
'Cause it has never been enough.

Ever since I've been a young boy I was alone
Now that I've become a man, the feeling's grown.
Through the therapy and through the pills, I can't let go.
But what about the fuckin fact:
I'm still alone.

What do you do when you got nothing left?
Give up! Give up! And hope for the best!
I fell into the ocean, and I feel sick,
Waiting on a nameless rescue ship.

Click Me

I don't really have much else to say. Feeling unimportant, invisible... those cold familiar feelings. These things should fade soon, at least for awhile.

626 words