Excessive

400th Entry!
this entry was written at work

Feeling naturally tired is so much more tolerale then chemically enduced exaustion. Even going to sleep at 2 or 3am in the morning is easier the next day than if I had taken a sleeping pill and gone to bed at 8:30pm. It sucks because even if I stay up all night (naturally) I'm never really tired, thus I know I will be tired the next day.

Even though I stay up late and stuff, it always feels like I have such little time... There are games I want to play, things I want to clean, I want to get things ready for work and just so much I want to do and barely manage to do anything at all. I might manage to play a game, but I won't really get anywhere because I don't have time to really get into it and advance the story. It's quite disappointing because if my brain worked, I could probably beat X-2 in a week, just playing after work. The next dayI feel shitty because I didn't get coffee ready for week, or a lunch, I didn't get an outfit ready or really do anything. It's so god damn disappointing. That's all I ever feel, it's so numbing...

It's nice to feel the feeling of having friends or 'making friends' but it brings up a lot of fears and memories they're probably just faking it or making fun of me somehow, I don't think I'm really cool enough to really make friends like that.

Something feels wrong with me today, I feel small... stupid... very insignificant and pointless. It's kind of true I suppose, but not as strongly as I feel it now.

It feels like I'm back in public school or something.. bah, I hate it.

I feel so exausted in every respect... I just don't feel like I can get up to do anything at all anymore, including every day to day things like being happy. It's frustrating to say the least... not having the energy to do the things that I know for a fact would make me happy is a very depressing thing indeed. I want long baths, that are hot, but not sharing the bath with millions of ants. I want organized lunches and breakfeasts, I want to do tons of php developing and the only thing I manage to do is feel sick and get depressed over how little I've accomplished.

How the hell could I be so damn tired... I just floated in and out of conciousness for about a half hour and only making three calls... how retarded. It's not like I got a freakishly small amount of sleep but this is beyond torture. It's physically painful to be going through this... I've thought over a hundered times in the last ten minutes to just run out the door and not look back and just sleep. but alas, here I am, half asleep and sittinghere, feeling close to death and wishing I was home... but I guess that's nothing new

Mine eyes are so god damn tired! Torture I say! Torture! TORTURE!!

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