January 25, 2004 12:00AM
Over The Stars I Go
Ya know, I'm just really pissed off. Nothing ever changes, nothing ever develops. People everywhere always say that I can come to them for help or that they're here for me, and then when I actually need them, or try to open up, I get people telling me I'm stupid for thinking that, or they say, "Oh, be quiet!" or they just don't let me open up at all... play it off like something that's not actually killing me. Well fuck.. everyone's just kinda full of shit then eh?
I almost cried at work like.. abagazillion times and no one even tried to listen to what I was saying... everyone just took what was on the surface and wouldn't take it any further. I tried explaining myself... I tried very hard to be honest and open and no one, especially Julia who I thought would be okay with me being honest and open, just shut it out and played it like a big joke. She wouldn't understand anyway... for some reason it doesn't work in her head. Liz just kinda looked at me funny and laughed... and Lindy just thinks I need a hobby.
I don't even know who the fuck I am... I try to be everything to everyone, and I'm not even anything to myself... how the hell does that work? Tara told me that she reads my website daily, but it never even crossed my mind that she might see me as a person rather than a co-worker robot creature... I just didn't know.. I'm finding less and less reasons to be fake at work now. I don't know if she wants to be friends, or if she meant anything she said. I tried calling her to check up, but no one answered and I didn't get a call back, so maybe I'm just stupid.
I'm sick of just being someone else for others protection. My mom won't even come to this website because she'd much rather stay ignorant to my problems. She won't read it, and openly says she won't come. I guess that's okay, but when I tell her I'm not doing well she doesn't understand or have answers. Lindy thinks I feel like this because I need a hobby or something to do, but I have hobbies, I buy, play, collect games... I collect music, I watch movies, I have shit to do. I've been progressivly fucked up and more fucked up for the last six years of my life, and nothing is getting easier, and everything in my life has changed.
I just don't feel like lying or not being me anymore... fuck it all.
I used to be so good at being up all night... now I'm finding it harder and harder to actually get through to morning. My mind is so fast and I can't keep track of anything and my body is just ready to give up... it's not a good combination. I'm laying in bed, seriously wanting to hurt myself, but then thinking about what it'll do to Linzie, and I don't have anything to do it with... and then Linzie again, and then I pet Marle, and I cry, and then I want to call Julia and take back all the stupid shit I dumped on her at work today, and between each of those, I think about how fed up I am with it all, and I want it to end.
I guess I don't really have anything more to say... I'm just getting really sick of my mind. I think its time to leave.
598 words
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Timeline
- I lived with Ben on Cartier
- I was with Linzie
- I worked at Pizza Hut
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