September 13, 2003 10:19PM
Fuck Fuck Fuck
I'm not doing very well. Lately I've been thinking of cutting a lot more than recently... for a long time, since I started my pills, it never even really crossed my mind, but lately, I've been so depressed, and.. thinking of actions accordingly.
I'm just so fucking bored with humanity and the fucking games they play. Why the fuck are people so fucking retarded? I hate work. There is so much interpolitical bullshit that it makes me sick. I come here to fucking work, why the hell do you have to involve me in your god damn twisted mind games.
I feel so empty all the time. I feel so fucking dead. Nothing but numbness... and no one seems to care. No matter who I tell, or what I say, no one seems to give one flying fuck about me. I feel no compasion from Linzie, and I don't know if it's becuase of how fucking dead I am inside, or because she just isn't giving me any. I love her so much and I hate feeling ignored and unimportant. I feel no friendship from anyone, anywhere. School seems like nothing more than a countdown to when I get to go home, and so does work, except work, like I stated above, is a lot more... emensly retarded.
I have torcherous nightmares every single night, in which I endlessly suffer. I dream of complete abandonment, death, Linzie leaving me, falling out of love with me, feeling nothing for me, drinknig then dumping me. I hate sleeping. I hate going to sleep.
I've been on and off with my pill for a week or two because of school and everything and for a while there before school, I thought that maybe it wasn't working as well as it used to; as in I was feeling depressed. But when I mentioned it to my Mom, she just backed off and said that I was too old for her to go with me anymore. Does she not understand me in the least? Does no one understand me at all? I need people there with me, or I can't do it. "Oh, well, thats something you'll have to work on, becuase in the real world..." HOLY FUCK!! There is no "real" world! There is no completely different world we enter at a certain age, or at a certain point in our lives. We are in the real world right now and always have been. People go through their entire worthless lives waiting to enter the real world, and die wondering where the fuck it went. The world is how you see it and what you make it. I don't have to do anything I don't want to, and I'll bear the consquences, regardless of whether it's right or wrong. I need someone to help guide me, so I know I'm going in the right direction. I need clarification. Christ.
For some reason, I'm always nice to everyone, and I never get anything back at all. It just proves that the theory of karma is complete bullshit. I never do anything to hurt anyone, and all that people do is hurt and attack me. Well fuck, I have no idea what the hell people expect from me. I can't be rude or mean to people, I just can't. I don't have the balls for it, and I just see no need. I can't hold in resentment, or it makes me want to kill myself. Not figurativly, literaly, makes me want to kill myself. So fuck off and leave me alone everyone, stop creating unattainable expections for me and let me be myself.
I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Ignore me...
615 words
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Timeline
- I lived with Ben on Cartier
- I was with Linzie
- I worked at Pizza Hut
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