December 24, 2002 10:42PM
So Sad
I feel so sad inside... it's so unpleasant. I find myself thinking of the past a lot... past Christmases, memories as a child... and it makes me tear up or almost cry. Then I start thinking of the future and how no matter what I do, how I eat, what I accomplish or how happy I make myself, I AM going to die. That makes me cry as well, because I don't ever want to be without Linzie. Although the void of non-existance isn't a state of consiousness.. it's incomprehensible to imagine what it would be like to not exist. If you were to achieve such a thought, your head would explode and you'd poop yourself.
I didn't really think spending Christmas Eve or Christmas would be bad in any way... I didn't think I would mind. But not spending it with Linzie has made me feel alone and isolated. I was sitting upstairs with my family: Mom, Lindy and Dustin. They are my immediate family. Someone was missing. Linzie. I missed her. I wanted her to experience Christmas with my family. To enter in a tradition. To really, genuinly become one of the family. Sadly she was forced to be apart from me. Tomorrow she's also unable to participate in another family tradition: the trek to Hamilton to see my grandfather. I guess I'll be okay... it just saddens me.
Last night was very hard. There were some complications and I came out not to.. good. It's just been really hard in the last day or two... and now I have no one here to make me better, so I'm left to myself to consantly dwell on my problems without being able to escape the hell of reality.
I was playing Diablo II today and I finally beat Hell with my sorceress and I went into a Cow Level game right away and went down the portal and I was PK'd. I wasn't even given a chance to leave. Someone shot guided arrows, went to town, hostiles, the arrows turned around and killed me before the hostile warning came up on the screen. I was upset at this, becuase I had been working on the sorceress for over a year. I hate people. Fuck them. Take away my enjoyement will they... I'll find them and kill them all.
The thought of playing a game right now makes me feel really sad.. I dunno why. I feel like playing StarCraft sorta.. or Wolfenstein. I dunno what to do... I just need to feel better. I want Linzie to call... *sigh* Farewell.
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Timeline
- I lived with my Mom
- I was with Linzie
- I worked at Pizza Hut
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