July 12, 2002 9:35AM
Something has gone wrong.
I'm not sure where to start or even what to say but something has changed. Something's changed in me something's changed between Linzie and I... everything is just different now. I guess I'll just go from topic to topic talking about it...
Well remember that bullshit about me being trapped in a box in my mind and only watching what was happening? Yeah well that happened again yesterday yet it lasted for a long time. I didn't really fight it this time though I just sorta tried to understand it. I wasn't quite sure why it was happening... but I still don't like it. It's like watching a movie yet I was still in control of my body. It's always good to know that I'm going insane... *cough* Not only did that happen but for most of the day I didn't know where I was. I knew I was in my room... but it wasn't my room. It didn't feel like my room I wasn't comfortable... I was very anxious because of this and somewhat scared because I felt alienated in a place that usually keeps me calm. It's very strange looking around and not really knowing where you are. It was like... a cheap immitation of my room but not quite it. It didn't have that feel... When I layed in Linzie's arms on her lap... I felt nothing no love.. nothingness.. I was just numb inside.
Now something is strange between Linzie and I and I'm not too sure what it is. I can't stop doubting myself. Constantly. Whenever she touches me I just get the feeling it's out of pity or because she feels she needs too trying to convince me of something. When she tells me she loves me I hear no truth in her voice... I think this has something to do with the above paragraph... me being quite out of mind lately... nothing feels real anymore. It's like something huge has happened or something has changed and I wasn't aware of it yet I'm suffering the consequences. This is torture I just feel utterly abandonded. Last night out of nowhere she was upset and not really talking to me or looking at me... when I asked her what was wrong she wouldn't answer but I kept asking because I knew that deep down she wanted to talk about it (everyone wants to... think back when your upset you always play the "im gonna be silent and pretend nothings wrong but make it obvious somethings wrong just to string this person along" game.) Everyone does it... and I knew she was doing it too. After I asked a few more times she finally answered that she was upset because I had cut my arm which was a lie because a) If that's what she was upset about she would have told me right away because it's not the biggest of deal and b) we've talked about it before so why would she hesitate. So it seemed like that was just something she'd say to get me to shut the fuck up about it as I guess she decided it would be best to not tell me and just even furthur doubt myself. So now I really need to know what's wrong because it may be linked to my own self doubts... perhaps vibes were being exchanged or something. I know it's a possibilty that she was telling the truth... that she was actually upset about my arm but I dunno... something is telling me not to believe it. All I know is that it feels like something terrible has happened or something terrible is about to happen whichever it is I just want to know.
I also bought some parts to upgrade my computer and I spent all night trying to get the fucking annoying bastard to work and it just wouldn't. I also just built a computer for John and it has the exact same problem. I hit the power button and it just sits there the power light comes on the HD and CD-ROM activate but no signal is sent to the monitor and BIOS doesn't initiate. So... obviously I have some jumper set wrong (which is amazing as I've tried every possible combination) so I'm going to bring the fucking thing in to get it looked by my PC guy. This has caused me great distress however because when I can't get something work when it should and especially when it's my computer I get very pissed off... so this brought me down quite a bit actually.
After I had given up on my computer and Linzie wasn't talking/looking at me I just layed in bed feeling.. dead. But.. all of a sudden this loud banging was coming from next door. I put up with it for a few minutes but it went on for over an hour. I was ready to fucking punch through the wall.. I really was.. but I figured that would probably scare Linzie.. or whatever I didn't really want to show Linzie the violent angry side of me.. as I reserve that for suicide explosions.
Although on an up note Ben is getting home tonight which means a bit of comfort every night while we play some WarCraft III. When I play with him I usually tend to forget everything that is eating me alive from the inside. It's been long enough... stupid fucker.. make me play public 1v1s will he! *shakes fist*
Oh well to sum up everything... basically I'm doubting everything that I am... everything that I'm invloved in... what I am and what I'm doing. I honestly think that I'm going insane and I can do nothing to stop it. I don't even know why I'm alive anymore... I dunno what I'm gonna do... but something's got to change and fast.
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Timeline
- I lived with my Mom
- I was with Linzie
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