Excessive

Today was horrible.

I wrote a lot today... in fact most of my waking moments were spent writing... nothing interesting, but it kinda helped stop me from freaking out. I stayed on MySpace for the whole afternoon updating my profile with content, movies, music, interests and so on... instead of just having a small thingy, I had paragraphs of descriptions. I also talked to Ally for a bit, which helped me remember what got me here, and who I was. I get lost sometimes... I forget who I am, where I am or what I'm doing. I feel like I've gone completely bat-shit insane. I've lost sight of everything, and I have very little patients for anything anymore, especially people... I just don't want to put up with bullshit, or being used or ignorance. I have no one to talk to or open up to without fear of... something. What word would I put there? See... old me would have had that filled and probably another sentance just describing the word used, but now... I just come up blank.

Today kept getting worse and worse as time went on, and for some stupid reason, I thought it would be a great idea to take 900mg of lithium and then drink back a 40oz. My intent was not to kill myself... not at all, regardless of what it may seem, I guess I kinda just wanted to feel something. I know that makes no sense to most of you, and perfect sense to some, but it didn't work... I just got shakey and sick to my stomache and headachey cause lithium dehydrates you. I seem to be having a constant hotflash.. I'm sweating like nuts. I just had a bath in an attempt to relax, which did help cool me off and stuff, but I feel trapped. I can't do what I want to do, or what I'd like to do. Maybe I want to unwind with a nice match in Advance Wars... I shouldn't really have to explain myself. I want to sleep to music that I like. period.

I feel like I want to rip someones head off, like I want to make someone cry; I want to cry myself, but it just doesn't happen no matter what. I need to see my doctor soon, because shit's gotta change or... well, I'm not going to finish the sentance.

I feel like there should be more going into this entry. I feel like I've just started; like I'm leaving an ass load out. I feel so sick, shakey, scared, headachey... I also love Marle. I want to get Marle tattood on me, that's so lame huh? I ate chinese food today and it was dry and bland and gave me a stomache ache later (or it was the lithium/beer). The thought of it makes me sick to my stomache... I don't wanna eat it again.

Well, even though it seems like I should keep going, I'm shit out of stuff to write... so I'll just end it. Enjoy your nights or days or whatever. Oh, by the way, since I did write a whole profile and everything you can check out my MySpace Profile and read the lame crap I put up. I wrote about ten times what people normally do. Also, I'm downloading and LOVING all music from Hikaru Utada. So... listen to her, cause she makes me cream my jeans.

To my teletech friends, Steve told me to check out these checklists, as he said they were invaluable to his success in the early months of working there.

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"from dsl help desk.. open up the link called general information.. then i think the different lists are there.. (no sync, no connect, no route, slow throughput) nicely gives you the basic steps to follow/make sure you remember to do.."

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You're An Alcoholic

Time to go back to step one.

658 words

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