Excessive

i posted this because my entry was kinda depressing

I've been wanting to write for quite awhile now. I know that I've written, but not the way I've wanted to, or want to I should say. I can't seem to form words that represent my thoughts accuratly enough to publish them on this widely read medium. As I sit here with my glass of almost room tempurature Coke and a bowl of Cheesies, I wonder why I can't feel accomplished, content or relaxed. I often find myself lost in my own torment, creating barriers for myself, creating problems where there aren't any, or shouldn't be any. Now I want to get this next part right because it's very important to me to accuratley communicate exactly what it's like. There are days when my spirit feels lighter than air, where the very act of cleaning a room brings me such joy and accomplishment; where I feel so comfortable that I just sit in the middle of the floor and smile and I'm happy - no - fucking happy. Those days, I enjoy my meals... I enjoy cooking them and eating them, I even enjoying doing the dishes afterwards and putting them away so that the counter appears clean and spotless. On those days I could sit down in front of the TV with a little bit of junk food and watch a movie or play a game and feel so secure and relaxed that it's quite close to what heaven would be, if heaven were a real place (let's not get carried away here). Why are those days so fucking few and far between? Why the fuck am I not entitled to feel that most of the time? Why do those times last for a day or two, and then just rip away from me without warning.

I had panic attacks this morning... it might have been due to my double dosage of medication I took the night earlier; in fact that's what I'm hoping it was so I can just claim that and then quickly forget about the whole thing... but last week I didn't mind work, I didn't care at all, I actually enjoyed going a little bit. I got up this morning and my heart was racing, pounding in my chest, my mind was racing, thinking and thinking of a reason that I could use to not go to work. I was terrified, and it's even more terrified when you aren't sure why you're terrified in the first place. I fear people don't take me seriously when I'm in such a state. The truth is most people only know one side of me, and I'm a person with many, many sides; I don't really want people to know much more about me, as there are no real benifits to such things. People at work will always know work Jordan... I mean, I'm sure they are some of those people reading this right now, getting a somewhat small glance of something work jordan would never talk about, but I mean, you can't really believe someone is so 1 dimensional. Obviously I have more to me than just joking around and then being quiet a bunch... obviously everyone has their own problems, issues, etc. wait.. I'm getting of track here. I'm not always cute, or sweet, or funny, or happy. In fact I'm on a lot of medication in an attempt to be those things more often. The truth is that I tend to destroy most things near me, or push them away. No one likes looking at blood... but would that stop me? Probably not. wait.. what am I talking about?

Basically, I'm not sure what's really going on in my head right now. Things are all swirling and distorted and I can't quite make out what I really want, for myself, for my future, for things that are happening right now. Things will clear up right? I'll keep going to work right? I won't have feelings of dread, regret and despair.. for much longer right?

My external hard drive just stopped working last night... I almost punched a hole through my monitor... It's only about two months old and the fucking things shits on my desk. The r/w light just blinks and the HDD doesn't even spin up or anything. I'm hoping it's just a problem with the encasing thing, not the HDD itself, that way all my music and movies aren't lost. I think that this failure has perhaps played a part in the way I've felt lately... because that music is very important to me and to have it all lost would be devestating to my spirit.

funny video ala tatia

You fit in with: Atheism Your ideals mostly resemble those of an Atheist. You have very little faith and you are very focused on intellectual endeavors. You value objective proof over intuition or subjective thoughts. You enjoy talking about ideas and tend to have a lot of in depth conversations with people. 60% scientific. 100% reason-oriented.

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