Excessive

I feel pretty weird today; I feel pretty shitty, or empty, or filled with static, or anxious... I feel something. I always feel like death when I think about the future, and how uncertain it all is, and how much trouble I'm in.

The day started off on a bad note as usual, when I visited the message board for the afternoon greeting and it was just Michelle complaining about how much she hates her job and how much she hates being there. I'd say she's there for about 70% of her waking life, so the equals to about her hating 70% of her life, and I know that the only reason she is there in the first place is to support me, so in turn it basically falls on me for making her unhappy, so basically she should hate me. So not only is it depressing to hear someone complain all the time, but it makes me feel like shit because of guilt because I know it's generally my fault in the first place. It also frustrates me because I don't understand how someone can hate something that much in the first place. I know people dislike work because it's not.. say, winning money, but generally people just enter the 'at work' state of mind where when you're in work mode you are sort of numb to everything and you just do your job.

When I worked at Stream it wasn't my favorite place to be, but by the time I got used to it, it was easily tolerable and by the time I had left it, I had realized that it was probably the easiest job in the world. All you do is sit in a chair and listen to people and then talk to them like children. It's so easy and requires such little effort that I can't think of a much easier job. Instead of looking at the job in that way, as this easy, effortless task that requires no effort, Michelle has made it out to be this huge, stressful, complicated challenge of a job that's so horrible that being there for even five minutes extra makes her want to kill herself. Constantly looking for a "better" job that may or may not exist, always talking about how horrible it is, never settling into a routine or method, it's her and her alone that is making the job so horrible. I've tried and tried to give advice on how to make it better, how to settle in a routine, to stop thinking that other jobs would somehow not be as horrible (even though any other job will be just as fucking retarded), but nothing works, so I'm just not going to bother anymore. It's frustrating because I know that it doesn't have to be so bad.

So that's how I started my day, a mixture of stress, guilt and frustration.

About a couple months ago Michelle applied for a program at Fanshawe, to return to post-secondary education, but forget to talk to me about it. It wasn't until she got her acceptance letter that I found out for the first time that she'd be going to school in the fall. This has been a source of many emotions since then for many different reasons. The very first thing I felt was complete betrayal, because her going back to school was (at least in my mind) her way of saying, "fuck you, I'm not taking care of you anymore", since you either go to school, or you have a full-time job, not both... and it only felt like a betrayal because she did it behind my back, she didn't explain how she felt or tell me she wanted to go to school or anything. The second thing that comes to mind is if anyone thinks they can go to college and at the same time work a full time job (or enough hours to pay rent/bills/food) is bat-shit crazy insane. There are a couple problems with that, as full time jobs don't have flexible hours - you work the same hours every day, and that would be fine except that school days don't work that way, sometimes you have class at 8am, sometimes you have class at 5pm, you don't know, so you'd never be able to work a steady set of shifts. So as a result of this, the two options are that I either get a well paying steady job that can make enough to support myself, or I'll be homeless.

Michelle going back to school is fine with me, even inspirational, I don't have a problem with it, it's just that given the situation we're currently in, before she even applied, or as soon as she decided she wanted to, she should have sat me down and told me, explained to me when she was going to apply, just so I could know, so I could plan the future, so I could be informed. Come this fall, she's not going to be making enough money to live on her own (or may not have a job at all) and that's fine for her because she can easily just move home, but for me I don't have anywhere to go, so as you can see it obviously affects me a lot, and should have probably been involved in that decision making process. I didn't expect Michelle to support me for the rest of my life obviously, and I'm not frustrated or mad about that ending, I'm just frustrated that she didn't think it was important to tell me that it was ending, or tell me that my survival was dependent on me finding a job before September. Maybe she was scared to tell me, or maybe she honest to God didn't think it was necessary... I'm not sure which one is more frustrating.

I applied for a job at London Life this afternoon after a bit of difficulty on their website. It wouldn't let me upload my resume but Ally helped me by making the file size smaller and then it worked, so I'm hoping I get an interview because I think I'd be perfect for the job, and it would be a good place to start to get my confidence back. So I'm really hoping that I can get that job, because I have no idea where else to try and get a job. I'm pretty terrified, and sad and crazy and scared and freaking out all the time. The old familiar feeling like my life is ending, I'm running out of time and I can't think of the things I need to do before I die.

It's all fucked up, it's all fucked up that I'm in this position in the first place. I fucked up huge, and it's such a huge fuck up that I have no idea where to even begin fixing things. I usually talk to my Mom when I feel like this because she always reminds me to start small. Just work on getting a job, and once there we'll figure out what's next. It always makes me feel better... I'm in such debt (around $5000) that even if I did get a job... my bank account is closed, they would garner my wages, I wouldn't even see money for months and months, and I'd have to begin to actually deal with all the trouble (legal and otherwise) that I'm in. It's so much to take on all at once.

I'm just so... empty, full, scared.. lots of things.. and it's all racing to an end. Racing...

1268 words