Excessive

I feel like I've been censoring myself, and not just a little bit, but holding back most of what's going on inside of me. I do write personal things in a book, but that's different. I used to write everything on this website, but lately I've been very aware of exactly who is reading it, and who is not, and I'm not sure exactly what it is, but it shapes what I talk about, or the things I mention.

I used to fucking rip people apart on this website. I used to say exactly what I thought, whatever I felt at the time, and I lived with the consequences, I stood by what I said and I took pride in my honesty and transparancy.

I think this recent writing, this new... style... might leave me feeling fake, or at least... ripped off. It serves a purpose, I know that it does, I am recording a number of facts to be looked back on, but I'm not recording possibly the most important part, and the part that I will regret most in the future... how I feel. Yeah, I write about what I did at work, and what I did at home, or on my days off. I write about what TV I watch and the music I listen to but I never write about how I'm feeling. I don't write how I feel alone and empty, or how I feel excited and full of energy. I don't write about people, or how they make me feel.

Maybe I just used to have more to be angry about then, or maybe I was just much more angry back then and I've calmed down now, grown up, grown calmer, I know how to deal with things more. But I'm not sure if that's true, I still feel like I have a storm of terrible bullshit held up inside of me, and it kinda just stays there and I go crazy and hurt myself.

I don't know if I've mentioned in a public post, or if I've only written about it in private or protected entries, but Michelle and I broke up a month ago or so, and while things have been okay, it has caused some strange things for my psyche. We are, or were, or will be best friends, and so it's just strange. Today she left for her Aunt's trailer for seven days, so it'll be quite a few days of alone time, and then once she returns, it'll be seven more days until she moves out for good. Again, I feel like I'm still holding back... I feel like if this was a few years ago I would just spit it all out and say exactly how I feel. I suppose I shouldn't, I should respect Michelle's privacy, and not really talk about this situation at all, regardless.

When she left for the trailer, I instantly felt lonely. Maybe not even lonely, I just felt weird. I felt... uneasy. I've not lived alone for something like five years, and even then I had a friend over almost every day, and I was either drunk or high, and was a complete fucking train wreck emotionally. I didn't feel sad or anything, I just felt weird. Strangely free, free to do whatever, but I know that's dangerous for me, as if I don't have structure and routine, I tend to fall apart... and not just like... skip a meal or something, but just go completely mental. I guess I gotta get used to it, but it's easier when I have people to chat with, as while it may seem strange or unbelievable, that somewhat sad lonely feeling I get... it kind of fades away a bit when I'm chatting with someone, if they keep me company while I do normal stuff like drink coffee, write, or watch tv, it helps.

Work was decent enough today, it was the normal Thursday BBQ, so when I got there, I just started getting the BBQ stuff ready, and also put on all the soups and sauces for the Cafe, which takes up more time than you'd think. I also had to go to the stand up meeting, which is when all the managers meet and discuss the events that are happening that day and the next day and which staff are in. It's kind of retarded, and a waste of time for specific people, but we have to go, so I went. After Mark got to work, he took over on the BBQ stuff, and I moved on to getting the stuff together for the lunch buffet that we had, which felt a bit rushed but I mean, I'm so fucking awesome, so it doesn't matter. I bowled up the salads, made the fruit platters and cheese, got the cakes ready, all that fun stuff. After the lunch went out, I basically took some time aside to clean the kitchen, as after the buffet went out, the cafe staff were in the cafe for lunch service and Julie went upstairs to put in an order, and the kitchen was just left as a huge disaster, so I put everything away and wiped everything down.

Eventually I started getting the night time events ready, which were a small buffet for like... 10 people, and a reception, which was about six types of hor's with 24 of each type. Time went by pretty fast, as cleaning took awhile, but I got the buffet all done and only left one of the hor's for Kyle to finish, so I got signed out and took off as soon as possible.

The ride home was a bit lame... I had to wait a while for the Wellington at the hospital, and I got off at Oxford and Richmond. I went into Scotiabank and deposited a cheque that I had as well as the tip money that I got back, and then walked across the street to Valumart. I picked up some cans of tomatoes, some chips, and some strawberries and raspberries for dessert. After shopping, I hopped on an Oxford East and made my way downtown, where I waited about fifteen minutes for another bus, and finally made it home.

I cooked my tomatoes right away so they would be ready to eat quickly, as I was pretty starving, and after I got them on, I did the dishes and did all my normal household stuff (I feel like I don't have to write them all out anymore). Oh yeah, and while I was waiting downtown I ran into Ally and Kurt! Hi Ally and Kurt! Anyway, with my spaghetti, I watched Star Trek: TNG and really enjoyed my meal... there just isn't anything like fresh tomatoes right out of the can... so awesome. I made a coffee and had a Mr. Big with it, while I let my strawberries get all juicy in a tiny bit of sugar.

The evening was spent playing a couple games, or... well, one game really. I sat down and played a level or two of La Pucelle, just to try and relax, and it was fun, and while the game is a bit slow paced due to it's style of fighting, I still enjoy it. Time kinda flew by fast, as before I knew it, the sun was going down and it was 9:00pm. I ran a bath and listened to the Morning Stream... eventually setting up the laptop in the living room, and started writing. I've so far watched The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, Conan and I just started Jimmy, and I'm still writing, so it was kind of... forced and drawn out. I'm very sleepy now, and I think this entry was terrible, but you know what? Who fucking cares!? Deal with it.

Tomorrow I've got work from 10-3, but I'm guessing I'm going to have to stay a bit later, as there is a plated dinner, and I'm probably going to want to make sure everything is done before I leave. Then, on Saturday, I work an 8pm - 8pm shift, which is balls in the mouth, because I work at 7am on Sunday, so... yeah... that's going to suck so bad.

I'm done writing for the night, and done everything for the night I think... gonna have to finish getting ready for bed and go to sleep as soon as possible. I'm hoping that the next few days are okay, and that I continue to be in a decent mood. I'm sure we'll be in touch...

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