Excessive

My day was pretty stupid I guess. I kind of wasted it, my fault - I know, I could be smarter, I could do smarter things. I'm kind of self-destructive I guess, I mean, this isn't new information, I continually discover the same things about myself year after year and then write about it as if it was some kind of new revelation, but I suppose if I didn't, I wouldn't have anything to write about right?

I woke up feeling awake, actually awake, and not groggy and not sleepy, but awake. I didn't take a sleeping pill last night, I used other methods of becoming ready for bed and it worked, because I don't even really remember falling asleep, or laying down, or putting music on. The downside being that I can't write, or didn't write, because I generally do that best while on a sleeping pill, and other methods of becoming relaxed cloud my mind so much that I couldn't form a sentence if I wanted to.

So anyway, I woke up around 8:20am or so, but I wasn't really feeling that great, mostly because I knew I had no breakfast food, don't really have any clean clothes, and I just wanted to stay in bed, but I got out, and went to the kitchen and tried to figure out what to eat for breakfast... I knew that no matter what I found or what I ate, I would be uncomfortable and hungry at school, but I couldn't just eat nothing. I ate two applesauce cups and drank a coffee, not exactly a balanced breakfast, but it was food, so I ate it, and then got ready for school and left by 9:05am or so. Looking back it was kind of stupid of me to not eat a real apple, as I have some in my fridge and I specifically bought them for breakfasts, and I just completely forgot I had them, so that was kind of stupid of me.

At school I just had one class, Object Oriented C++ and it was actually pretty interesting... Garth went over a date class example, which sounds boring but was actually very informative, as he was showing us how to use a header file, class file, integrating it into the main.cpp and using boost libraries and stuff, so I actually learned some, followed along, and overall it was a decent class. At Noon, it was over, and we packed up, and I caught the bus home.

I did get off at Oxford and Richmond on the way to stop at Valumart, as I had to pick up both cat food and kitty litter today, as it had been three or four days since the cats had fresh dry food (they had crumbs they all refused to eat) but I've been giving them wet food twice a day because I felt so bad for them being hungry, and the kitty litter was pretty dirty and I had no more fresh litter to refill it, and since both of those things are heavy, so I figured if I stopped at the store on the way home, I could grab at least one of the heavy things to make it easier to get it home. I bought the kitty litter, some sandwich buns, some raspberries and some strawberries, and that was it... I got back on the bus and made my way all the way home.

After I got home, I wanted to go to the store right away because I wanted to get it over and done with, so I did the dishes quickly but then left for No Frills. I picked up the cat food, candy, some bread... things I needed to stop feeling crazy, but I know it probably won't help. The bread is important because if I don't have a nice breakfast, it tends to ruin my day. After I got home and put away the food, it was about 3:30pm, and I was tired, so I went and laid down.

I ended up sleeping from 3:30pm to about 7:30pm, which is kind of lame because there goes most of my day... but it was probably for the best, I really felt like I was tripping out because someone hacked my friends hotmail and was sending me emails, but I thought it was them, until it was obvious by the language it wasn't, and it almost felt like they were trying to set me up to admit to shit or... yeah I don't even know, but right away I felt weird about it, and worried, and it was weird, kind of freaked me out. Psh, but anyway, after I woke up from my nap, I had a headache and felt gross and bleh, like really bleh... you know, super bleh. There was no way I was going to make anything for dinner, so I ordered a pizza, even though I wasn't feeling great, I figured I needed food, so it seemed like a good idea. I ordered a Brooklyn style pepperoni pizza from Dominos and it came very quickly, I even tipped the driver $6 plus change just because I didn't want a bunch of change because I never use it, and he was fast, so I just didn't give a shit and told him to keep the change.

I did have a lunch before laying down to nap, which was a ham sandwich on one of those buns I bought with a bowl of really nice mushroom soup... when I woke up from my nap I was hungry but felt sick at the same time, so I ended up only eating one and a half slices of the pizza before I had to stop for fear of vomiting. I watched an episode of Star Trek: TNG (not the greatest episode) and watched the whole thing before moving to the computer room and just sitting on the computer doing nothing for a few hours.

Around 10:15pm or so (I think), Laura and Tom stopped by, as Tom had a gift for me since we won't be working again together at work, and they hung out, pet Tidus and we talked for a bit, it was nice, those kids are pretty cool shit.

After they left, I ran a bath, listened to some of the Geekbox, and then sat down in the living room to watch TV and write. I think I'm going to be staying from school tomorrow so I have more time to do laundry and clean the house, as it's way overdue and it needs to be done. Mathew is going to send me the updated code we do in C++ so I don't get behind for staying home, and it should be a productive day.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I do stupid things and don't realize exactly how retarded I am until the entire day is over and I've pretty much wasted it, and ruined any chance of relaxing at night. My day from like... 2pm until 7pm was just blinked away, gone without a trace, voluntarily thrown away thoughtlessly.

What is happiness to me? How many times have I asked myself that question? What am I doing right now? What direction am I taking in life right now that is part of my idea of happiness? I seem to be surrounding myself, putting myself in uncomfortable, difficult or retarded situations. I am not safe, I am not boring, I am not addicted to routine. These are dangerous times and I feel at risk. I could be doing better, but... it's difficult choosing between safe stability, or feeling alive. I alway seem to make the more dangerous choice...

My candle burns on both ends so where does it leave us
Standing emptier than we ever left you

With your head in the water it's getting harder to breathe
So stand up, stand up

It's too late to pry away
It's too late to pry away

Don't get me wrong I'm just as scared as you are now
You dropped us off here with no direction
But you never even tried to fight the current
Watch the water pouring faster into your lungs

So breathe in, breathe in

It's too late to pry away
It's too late to pry away

But it's hard to hear me when you're sinking down here
I wanna see you wash it down, wash it down

How can you sleep here I bear the weight of your world
I don't believe in a single word you sold to me, sold to me

I bear your burden for the last time I swear I'm done with all of this

It's too late to pry you away from the undertow
I watch it take you then I walk away

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