Excessive

I had things to say, I remember thinking about them and saying, "Oh, that would be a good thing to write!" but then here I am, trying to write, and a bunch of blank space seems to be present in my mind.

Today was a good enough day I suppose... although I can't help but be left feeling like perhaps I've actually lost it, like I've finally gone crazy. I don't feel like myself, I don't feel like me. I feel different, off... I'm not thinking about the normal things, I'm not as interested by the normal things... I don't know what's wrong. I usually do; I usually am very good at knowing exactly what's wrong with my mind, I usually even know how to fix it, or what steps I need to take to get in that direction.

Everything just feels wrong lately, everything seems shifted just out of place, barely noticeable but as soon as you notice, it stands out like a... like a burning insanity?

I woke up today and received a text from Connor and Julie asking if I wanted to go to Archie's for breakfast, which I did, so I got up and got dressed, and they came and picked me up. I got a mushroom and cheese omelet which came with toast, hash browns and I also got a coffee. It was nice to go out and eat, to eat a nice breakfast, and more importantly, it was nice to have time to go out and do something like that. It feels like it's been forever since I last had a chance to just sit and do something without feeling like my time was running out.

Once home, I knew that I had to dedicate the entire day to doing chores, as it's difficult to keep up with any of that stuff when I work and go to school so much, so it seemed like the only clear choice. I did all the dishes, cleaned the litter, did a load of laundry, cleaned up the bedroom and living room, swept and picked up chunks of cat hair... the whole dealy, just cleaned everything, and it did feel good, however it left me feeling a bit sick. It happens sometimes, I guess more often than not, I just get feelings of motion sickness almost, a bit of an upset stomach and inability to concentrate.

During the afternoon, I sat down for about an hour and programmed the first half of my C++ project, in between chores of course. The project is decoding a rotation cipher encoded text file. You type in the file to read, what the encryption key is, and then the file you want to write to with the decoded information. It sounds more complicated than it really is.. basically, to encode it, you change each letter forward a set number, so A would be R, but you keep the same rotation for every letter, so as long as you know what the rotation number was, you can decode it, so that's our project. It was fairly simple, and I didn't run in to any problems.

I decided to make a nice dinner, even though I wasn't feeling very well... You see I had just cleaned a beef tenderloin and cut it into steaks, and having all those fresh steaks and not cooking one would be a crime, so I had to. I figured I wouldn't enjoy it as much as I could, but it was worth a shot. I grilled the beef tenderloin, placed it on top of two grilled portable mushroom caps, served beside creamy buttery mashed potatoes and asparagus and baby carrots. I also placed a small piece of herbed garlic butter on top of the meat and flashed it, just so it would slightly infuse the meat with a bit of extra flavor and the butter causes it to seem even more juicy than it already is. I sat down and ate with Star Trek: TNG, and strangely enough, I started to feel better while cooking, and when I sat down to eat, I felt okay, and was excited to eat my meal. I put pictures of it on Facebook... and I think they're probably worth looking at.

After dinner I made some coffee and finished my C++ project. It took another hour or so and it works perfectly now. The only thing left to do is pretty up the code and add comments, which shouldn't take long.

I spent most of the evening just working on that, playing around on the computer, and playing Wordfeud (Scrabble) on my phone. I've got school tomorrow at 11am, so I can sleep in a bit, which is important considering it's 2:00am or later right now. I work after school at 3pm, and I'm sure it will be okay... I haven't been there since Sunday and it really does feel great to finally get a chance to relax, so... yeah, no idea where I was going with that.

I had more to say... but it's completely gone now. I watched a movie tonight... Blue Valentine with Ryan Gosling, and it kind of is a representation of how I'm feeling right now.. it's a kind of romantic drama that sort of says... yeah, romance is exciting, but it will most likely lead to misery, complete... total... misery.

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