Excessive

Yeah, it's been weird lately. I'm sure nothing good for me, I'm sure it's not good for me in any way, out of routine, out of the ordinary. These are things I've grown to know are bad things, and yet I seem to still end up constantly screwing up everything, well aware of the consequences.

This weekend was so crazy and so exhausting and so tiring, I'm only now beginning to return to feeling normal, or what should be normal, but I still feel a bit off, you know... that same kind of place I've been for the last month. I'm still trying to find ways to make myself feel normal again, and I know that routine would be that solution I'm looking for, but with different work shifts each week, and then my unreliable "am I going to school today" behavior, it's difficult to form any kind of routine at all. I like writing... I like writing because it's one of the last bits of predictability I have left in my life right now, that part of my night is almost always the same, it feels comforting to sit down and write for that hour or two, because it seems familiar and safe and I just... like it. I feel at home when I'm staring at this text editor, I cancel out everything and just exist in a tiny little box.

I slept a lot today, and I kept sleeping and I probably should've got up, but I didn't... I said something to myself, mumbled some nonsense, rolled over and went back to sleep, thinking that I had somehow justified missing more school. Going to sleep last night I intended to go for the full day of school... I really did, I mean, I said to myself, I'll set the alarm for 7am, and if I am too tired, I'll sleep for one more hour, miss english, and then just go for the rest after that. When that first alarm went off, I just turned it off and decided at that second to stay home. I guess I was more tired than I had thought, or thought I would be... I figured after a normal nights sleep I would feel better but I guess the weekend took more out of me than I had thought. Even after sleeping until almost 11am today, I was dead tired all day... I tried playing Dead Space 2, only to feel like I was about to fall asleep the entire time. I can't enjoy anything, do anything... it's just so unpleasant.

I got up around 11:00am or so, the feeling of failure washing over me as I got up to my freezing cold apartment. I decided to just make lunch instead of trying to eat a breakfast. I made a bowl of chicken noodle soup and some cheese bread (toast with marble cheddar baked/melted on top) and it was pretty good. I ate it while sitting at the computer, looking over things and what not, not really doing anything of importance.

I decided to take a walk to the grocery store, mainly for the walk I think... I'm not entirely sure why I went, I didn't really need anything too badly, but I got some mushrooms and awesome nice looking green beans. I wanted to make something nice for dinner, something warm and autumn, so I grabbed some ground beef and decided to make a nice shepherd's pie. I didn't really do much in the afternoon... I tried to play a game, something I never seem to be able to do anymore, but I almost fell asleep while playing and felt really uncomfortable because of that, so I stopped at the first save point and continued on kind of wasting my day away doing nothing of significance.

Around 5pm I started to make dinner, which was the shepherd's pie. I started by cooking a small chopped Spanish onion and about four or five mushrooms chopped. After they were starting to get some color, I added in about a pound of extra lean ground beef, bunch of salt, fresh cracked pepper, thyme, good amount of red wine, about a third of a can of tomato paste, a splash of Worcestershire sauce and let that cook out almost until it was cooked through. When it was about cooked, I added in a bunch of frozen corn, carrots and peas, stirred it all up and kept it on low as I waited for the mashed potatoes to cook.

While it was cooking, Connor and Julie stopped by to say hey as they were driving to the mall anyway, and it was nice to see them. Once they left, I finished up dinner, ate it while watching Star Trek, and it was really enjoyable. I do get a bit lonely sometimes when I make nice meals but have no one to share them with, no one to impress, no one to excite, no one to compliment my cooking. Ah well, it's not that big of deal really, just something I think about sometimes.

After dinner I sat at the computer for a bit doing some research into redesigning.. or remaking I guess, uTunes, the program I made last year that scans your iTunes library and makes a webpage that reports listening habits about most listened to albums and artists and stuff. I've had it in my head for awhile now on how to improve it and change it... like I want it to track play counts and how much they've grown day to day, week to week, to get even more detailed analysis. Anyway, I did the very first steps of figuring out how to accomplish these things, and it looks like I'll be written in C# and it will hopefully be a fun project... you know, if I ever have time to work on it.

Tomorrow I've got school at 10am, and then work at 1 to 9pm, which kinda sucks... not really looking forward to it, more than normal. Here's hoping i wake up tomorrow and don't just roll over, and here's hoping I can actually feel awake and alive for once.

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