Excessive

I am nothing. I am nothing, to anybody. Yes, I know... good friend, I can make others happy, blah blah blah. I know that.

I suppose before I get too into this, I should start at the beginning.

Today was a good day. I mean, 90% of it, maybe even 95% of it. In fact, I smiled. I stopped what I was doing, took a deep breath and actually said to myself, "Whoa, what is happening, I feel okay?"

As you can probably guess, my day today was probably the most uneventful and boring day possible, and that translates to a good day. I did end up sleeping a lot last night, and it was restful and comfortable... and I slept for almost twelve hours. I woke up around 11:30am, made a nice mushroom omelet, with toast and coffee.

I made a list of things to do, and started working on it right away. Dishes, litter, sweeping... cleaning out the fridge, the cupboard, the bathroom... I did a lot of cleaning. I eventually got the laundry on, and spent the rest of the afternoon playing Burnout Revenge and watching Dexter.

Around 5pm I started getting dinner ready... my favorite 'day off' meal, beef tenderloin on portabello mushroom with mashed potatoes, green beans, baby carrots and some corn. For dessert I had a coffee with some Bailey's, and a crunchie bar.

After dinner, I played Halo: Reach with Calen from about 7pm to 10pm, and afterward folded my laundry and then had a bath, watched more Dexter and started to feel down. So as you can see, the majority of my day I felt good, felt alive, warm, comfortable. Now, I feel like I'm sinking.

I wish that I had words that could properly describe what happens in my head when things start changing. Start.. that's probably a bad word to use, because it's almost instant, or feels instant. External influences; things from the outside, harmless things... they hit me and destroy me and ruin me.

I'm getting tired now.

This isn't me.

This isn't what I'm all about. It's just where my head has been lately. I can be happy.. I remember being happy. I can make people smile, and bring joy. Share joy. I can do many things, not just write about how hopeless I am.

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