Excessive

You think you know me? Anything about me? at all?

I'm tired. I feel as though I've been on a non-stop... something. Always going, never resting; Never feeling at rest. Drinking, being around people... to some this may seem normal, or even desired, but it's not normal to me, for me, it's not normal.

I was talking to people today, one of which was my Mom, about how I've been feeling lately. I found it nearly impossible to explain myself, to explain what it is that's happening in my head. i tried... I formed words and used them to attempt a conversation but it didn't come across right. I feel split - like I'm different people. Lately I've had trouble separating myself, difficulty figuring out who is who in my head. I don't recognize myself, or my thoughts, I feel off, like this isn't my home, house, mind, body... you get the picture. I've written about it before, but it's a bit worse than normal now.

Last night I was all set to relax and have a normal, early night. Around 8:30pm, Julie sent me a text asking if I wanted to drink a little wine with her, Mel and Katie, and while I didn't 100% want to, mainly because I was super tired and wanted a normal night, but I said sure... I'm not sure why, maybe because I'm pretty batshit crazy lately... that seems likely. They came and picked me up, I just ran out the door in a hoodie, and my keys (and phone) expecting to come home in about two hours. We drank about 6 liters of wine between the four of us, and had a lot of fun. So many jokes, laughing and good times, we drank way more than we thought we would, and before you know it, it was 3am and I was going to sleep on the couch.

Hung over, sore, disoriented and purple-lipped, we woke up at 8:30am (god fucking dammit) and drove to work. I was groggy, didn't have my iPod, bus pass, clean clothes or even a coat. The day went by fairly painlessly... I mean besides being dehydrated, sore and way beyond tired. We put out a lunch buffet and spent the rest of the afternoon cleaning the fridge (mainly). We left work around... something. 3:30? I think so. We drove a couple people home and went and visited Jill for a bit. I was quiet, and detached. It makes me sad.

Afterward, Julie let me run into my place and grab my coat, wallet and backpack and then dropped me off at No Frills. I picked up a few things and walked home, cleaning up once I got there. I made meatloaf for dinner, with green beans and baby carrots tossed in butter and salt, and a big bowl of potato soup. I had some pot of gold chocolates and a coffee for dessert, and fought the desire to sleep.

I had a bath, turned on Dexter, and now I'm writing. I'll go to bed soon and hopefully have one of the most restful sleeps ever, in the history of sleeping. I sure as fuck need it.

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