Excessive

I'm feeling rather claustrophobic or overwhelmed by the state of the house, and it's not anyones fault or anything, in fact I think most of the negative feelings come from owning the cats, and I'm just sick of having dry cat food crumbs, kitty litter bits, so much hair, dust, vomit, poo everywhere, all the time, even cleaning and sweeping twice daily doesn't stop it from either being stinky in the kitchen, or having shitloads of cat hair everywhere so it's always sticking to your face, and it's just... a lot to take right now, especially with the heat. I just find myself feeling dirty or that I'm living in a dirty hole, because while I could be staying more on top of chores this week, it's not like they go ignored, and I do sweep and clean frequently, so it's just this feeling of no matter how much I work at it, it'll always be there, and I guess that's just something will always be true when you own four god damn cats.

After having a 'week off' so to speak, I think it's time to return to a more disiplined cleaning routine, sort of... get back to reality, be more finacially responsible, and live by more of a routine, instead of just floating between activities... obviously all of these things will be easy to get back to with school, homework, and work taking up 90% of my time, so finding time to spend money or be lazy will not be likely. While I haven't been upset or depressed throughout the week, in fact quite the opposite, I do realize that structure can only help me feel good, and returning to that holds a comforting feeling, and I look forward to it. Besides, working towards the end of school, so that I can make some more money, is an exciting and relieving idea.

I need to get back into planning meals, like.. really planning them, being organized and thinking things through; while not entirely true, I feel as though I'm living day to day right now, and not only is that really offputting because it doesn't provide any comfort or security, it's really difficult to plan for the future when my mind is all cluttered up with a bunch of garbage about today. Like, it comes to lunch time and I realize I didn't suddenly have lunch food magically appear in my cupboards, or it comes close to dinner time and I didn't pull any meat out of the freezer or buy anything else, so what the hell am I supposed to have for dinner? If I had planned dinners even a couple days ahead, I wouldn't have to think about it, I could save money because I would buy less fast food, pizza, or expensive convience items, and I could then use that saved money to plan future purchases, like.. save for stuff - important stuff.

I think it's pretty safe to say that I've gotten a headache or a migraine at least five our of the last seven days, and I'd like to think it's a mixture of the heat, and perhaps my posture or sitting in my seat for extended periods of time, or lack of physical activity, but... let's just blame the heat so I don't feel bad about myself. It's rather uncomfortable and cuts in my time to enjoy myself, and leads to having to take sleeping pills or other medication just to get by. These periods come and go though, and I can go a month or more without getting a bad headache, and considering I'm not suffering at work with them, I should be happy I can be at home with some relief.

I'm feeling quite anxious about my return to work tomorrow, as I always do... I suppose 'transitions' aren't exactly my strong suit. I get used to something and then a change from what's become routine can be a shock to my system, moreso than most people I think, and it's never as bad as my body seems to be bracing for, but I feel like shit and have butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it. Returning to school, returning to work, it's a lot of change. I hate that my night tonight is essentially ruined, or at least it's impossible for me to truely relax because the entire time I feel super nervous, like I'm about to put on a public performance or something, and I just tap my foot at an insane speed and never relax or take deep breathes and it's a terrible feeling, and often feel as though years are coming off my potential lifespan by just feeling like this so often.

I suppose I should talk about what I did... talk about? or write about? I'm not sure which one of those I should choose, but... anyway, yesterday was a special 'date day' that Bekki and I planned the week before, as a special day to go out and celebrate our completion of exams and give us a day to relax and unwind before we have to dig back into school. Our plan was to have dinner at Milestones, shop around at the mall for a bit, and then finish the night with seeing Brave in 3D at Silvercity... a pretty ideal day of relaxation and spending money.

We headed up to the mall on the bus and got there around 4:30pm. I have to say that I was pretty anxious on the way there, mainly because I hate busses, hate waiting for busses, hate the people downtown, hate the people on the busses, hate the people at the mall, and generally feel uncomfortable anywhere in public at all, so it puts me in a very introverted, withdrawn mood/state, but by the time we got to the mall, or into Milestones, I had loosed up a bit, and felt a bit more normal.

At Milestones we each got dinner, I had a portabello mushroom and chicken dish served on capilini, with a reduced cream sauce, which was really good. I was actually extremely impressed with how good the meal was, and how nicely seasoned it was, and the portion size was good and everything was just cooked nicely. Bekki got two apps, a bruschetta dish and asian chicken nuggets. We both enjoyed the meal but I was starting to get a pretty bad headache, to the point where I couldn't sit properly without feeling pretty bad pain in my head, but I struggled on to finish our meal, as we had planned on going to Shoppers to get some medication so that the rest of the evening wouldn't be ruined.

After dinner we decided to get some dessert, and picked a duo of desserts, which was a chocolate ganache cheesecake and a white chocolate cheesecake and had that with some coffee (that was pretty much cold). After relaxing for a bit, we walked around the mall, mainly shopping for clothes for the Bekkerson. We stopped in at Shoppers and got a bottle of T1s for my headache, got some dress pants, skirts and shirts for Bekki, aaaaand... that might've been it. Oh, and I got new plugs for my ears (14mm) because one of them fell out at some random place during a rain storm somehow, and I've been wearing a marker lid in my ear since then. Luckily, at the last second, the pair I decided on was on sale from like... $18.99 to $2.00, so I spent $4 and that was that.

We headed to the movie at 7:30pm or so, maybe a few minutes after that, went and bought our ticket, got some popcorn and Coke, and went and got our seat to see Brave in 3D with our awesome glasses!

Brave by Pixar was good, it was as enjoyable as all the other Pixar movies... jokes for young and old, a good, light hearted story and overall just a fun experience. The visuals were extremely impressive, everything had such a good sense of weight, and while that may sound like a weird thing to compliment, it caught my eye, like when the children ran, or when the kid jumped up on the Dad, it really seemed realistic and awesome, and it was impressive. Overall, a great movie, and my headache was dull enough for me to fully enjoy the experience.

After the movie we had to catch the bus home, and that's obviously the worst part of the day. We had to wait fifteen minutes for the bus, and the ride downtown takes forever, and finally when we were downtown we took a Westmount which lets us off a couple blocks away from home so we have to walk. It was a good day though, and I enjoyed it.

Today has been rather uneventful... Bekki went out with her Mom, came home with some groceries and then we played a game of Chess and laid around for a bit until she had to leave for work. I played some games, had some dinner (spaghetti and caesar salad), and then wrote a bit and got frustrated with Half-life, a terrible game to play nowadays.

I think that's about all I have to write about today. Tomorrow I work at 7am, and I usually take a cab to work, but in an effort to save some money, I'm going to attempt to get up at 5am and leave by 6am, so I can take the bus and get to work on time. I'm not entirely sure what it's going to be like at work, but I know that there is no brunch on Sunday because we're closed for the holiday (besides Al having to work haha) so I assume I'll do breakfast and help with the wedding, which probably means I won't have to stay late because I'll actually get shit done early, rather than leaving shit to the last second.

My goals for next week... I don't really know to be honest. I know that I am feeling unhappy with my routine or lack of one, and my lack of planning, my whole life (almost) just feels unorganized, so I need to do some things that may improve that. Planning dinners would be a good start, and figuring out if I need to make any grocery trips, and which days those would be. Cleaning more regularly, at the same times each day, like... always after work or always in the morning, something like that... those are good goals to start with I guess.

Gonna try to go to sleep in a few!

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