Excessive

There isn't enough time in the day to do everything that I need to do, and there certainly isn't enough time for me to do everything I want to do. I'm battling huge waves of anxiety as a bunch of things are moments away, and I'm terrified of what may happen.

School starts again in two days, on Monday, and I need to work a certain number of hours at work in order to break even on bills, and then a few more hours to pay down my debt, and this equals very close to full time, at the same time I'm taking full time school, plus I'm committed to fitting in time to go to the gym with Bekki, so those are the three big things... well... sleep, I guess, could be counted as a thing; But school, work, gym with Bekki (or time with Bekki to simplify it), to juggle those things without feeling burned out, without feeling insane, without feeling so tired and sick of life is going to be such a challenge.

I've done it before, minus the girl part, but I've done school full-time and work full-time, and it did drive me insane. I felt like I had no free time, I started to skip school, I started to hate work, and I fear I'm going to be tired, headachey, fall behind in school, not make enough money... I'm just scared I guess. I lay awake at night thinking of this stuff, over and over, cycling through each thing.

On top of those fears, my cat Marle is sick and I can't afford or find time (or decide on a time) to bring her to a vet. I fear that they're just going to tell me that they have to put her down, but if it's what's best for her than I just have to accept that, and I can openly acknowledge that I've been trying to ignore the problem because I don't want to emotionally and psychologically deal with the problem, and I know that's not right, and she's probably only getting worse, so I need to figure that out and take care of the problem.

I've been getting a lot of headaches lately, but strangely I've been waking up with them instead of getting them through the course of the day, which is backwards of what normally happens, and the only thing that's changed recently is I've been working out a lot, waaaaay more than I used to (as in going from zero to infinity), so maybe the muscles being sore have caused tension in my neck causing headaches, or... well, I dunno, I just know that I never get headaches in the morning, and I have since I started working out, so hopefully my body gets used to it and fucking stops it because it seriously hampers my ability to enjoy my day, continue working out, and it's difficult to be kind, happy and fun when I just feel pain my entire waking day.

So I'm pretty scared to start school, pretty scared to reduce my hours, pretty scared that I'm not going to have any time to play any games or watch any TV or see any movies, I'm pretty scared I'm not going to have time or energy to work out with Bekki or have any date nights, I'm pretty scared I'll fall behind in homework, I'm pretty scared I won't be prepared for tests or I won't find time to do my online class... I'm just pretty terrified about everything that's happening in my life right now and I just wish I could hide under the covers for a day or two but time is running out and I have one more day of normal work before school starts on Monday (and it's a long god damn day too).

On top of that, Calen, Matt and my schedule's are all different (or different enough) so that we won't always be going to or leaving school at the same time, may not have breaks at the same time, so it's going to change the way school... flows... for me, which may or may not be a good or bad thing, I'm not sure. More reliance on the bus... kinda sucks, but more time alone may help me focus or get more work done in class... we'll see I guess.

I've got more I could write about... like how I've been trying to eat a bit better, but not go overboard... just sort of keeping track of my food intake to see where I'm at. But I'm not going to get into it right now, instead I'm going to think about climbing in to bed and preparing to sleep so I can wake up without feeling like crap tomorrow.

I work 7am to 4pm tomorrow, I need to take the bus home, and then I'm going to spend the evening preparing for school. I need to organize my laptop so it's ready for my new classes, make sure I have software that I need, and mentally prepare for the day... maybe even consider packing a lunch, but I fear I may not have anything to bring. Aaahhh, fuck.

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