Excessive

Things have been overwhelming lately, so much that I feel an impending nervous breakdown on the horizon and feel helpless to avoid it. Considering all the shit that I've been through lately, my lack of free time, comforts, quality time with people important to me, and all of that shit, I feel as though I've been doing pretty well, but the last couple days I think it's been catching up with me, and I'm starting to have doubts about just how strong I really am.

What's screwed me up the most I think, is the lack of planning. Mostly the planning of meals really, which sounds stupid, but actually has a giant impact on how I'm feeling, as it plans out my day, I know what to expect, what to cook, what to prepare... it makes me feel in control, and feeling in control is a huge step towards feeling comfortable. Terribly bad shit could be happening to you, but if you are in control of the majority of it, it's a lot easier to deal with.

I've probably written about it before, but I like to sit down at the end of a week, and plan out the entire next week's meals, as well as plan out options for lunches and make sure we have breakfast food. We've been so busy lately that I haven't had that opportunity for that, so multiple times we haven't had anything for dinner, and even worse we've had no lunch food for when we're actually at home around that time, or for me to bring to school to make the two long days I have more bearable.

This week I attempted to plan it out, but had a hard time thinking up anything that sounded good to me... I think something is messed up with my appetite. I wrote a partial list, looked at flyers and wrote down a few things to buy, but ended up only getting half the stuff we really needed, and didn't have all the ingredients to do much of anything. I bought sandwich meat but no bread or lettuce for example. Bought mushrooms but didn't buy anything to use mushrooms with (salads, tomatoes for spaghetti sauce). I think my brain is just too tired to do that shit lately, and I've been failing terribly.

I've felt overwhelmed, behind, under a huge weight. I fear - at the very core of my being - fear my projects, I'm terrified that I won't understand or won't have time to do them. I lay awake at night about it, I have panic attacks at work about it, I can't relax because I'm so worried that I'm not going to pass this semester because I'm too busy surviving. I don't know how to calm down, I try and try but usually it doesn't go away; it's always there in the back of my mind.

Most recently, as in the last two days or so, I started playing Final Fantasy XIII-2, which is... a sequel to Final Fantasy XIII obviously... but I decided to sit down and try the game (which I picked up on boxing day) and I got into it really quickly, immediately feeling a sense of fun that was lacking from the first game. Over the last few days I really put extra effort into catching up on school so that I could have the free time to play a bit, and I've really enjoyed myself as much as I can given the circumstances. It's been fun and rewarding, and I look forward to getting ahead on school so that I can play some more.

Sadly I have to work in the morning tomorrow, and it's late already, so I need to go to sleep. I really should've gone to sleep an hour ago, but I have this thing... insomnia, or something, that makes it so I never, ever want to sleep. I'm just watching the first episode of season two of the Walking Dead, and writing this, and then I'll go to sleep, so in about twenty minutes. I'll probably read a bit of the Walking Dead comic before sleeping as well.

Tomorrow is work from 6 to 1:30pm to 2pm depending on if I get a ride or not, and then school for two hours on campus, and four hours online at home. I'm not looking forward to it really, but given that, I hope it goes by really fast.

I haven't been feeling good lately... not good at all.

751 words