Excessive

I'm upset, very upset and I don't know why. I feel like a mental case; mental case... what a stupid phrase. What the fuck does that even mean? I write to myself in my head all day, all day, all the time, non-stop. I feel stuck in my head and tortured by paragraphs of texts, of well written internal dialogue that gets repeated with the intention of being recorded that night but quickly forgotten. I sit down to write and I basically just go, "duuuurrrr" until I get so frustrated that I give up and post some random, short, waste of space that I've been writing lately. I don't convey how I'm feeling, and worse yet, I don't convey the ideas I have, that I think about all the time, and that define me as the person I am now.

I often think two things at once. Two contradictory things... maybe not at once, but I go back and forth, arguing with myself. I think, how terrible am I to live in the future: to not enjoy the present and have my mind in the future, it's a waste of life, it's something I have to avoid or my life will go by always waiting for tomorrow and life should be about today. But then I stop... I stop and I think to myself no. No. I don't exactly live in the future. It's not that I do not enjoy the present, or even avoid doing things to take in the experiences of what is 'now'. It's just that... I am so good with finances, that given our budgeting, Bekki's good job, our ability to (generally) stick to our goals, our behavior and habits, we've basically set a foundation for an awesome future. We've planted the seeds to a glorious future, to start a family, to save money to buy a house, beyond that, to afford a car, or saving for anything we want. It's all in place, and now it's just a matter of time. I'm excited for the future, I'm excited to where our responsibility, realism and optimism will take us, so I get restless waiting for it. I see it... I look at my spreadsheets, and it's all there. That's not necessarily living in the future, I guess it's just being excited, being eager... I don't know.

We want to decorate the house we're in, but no... we should really wait until we do too much, because soon, at some point, we'll be looking to buy a house and would have to redecorate there, so might as well put it off. We want to look for a house, but, we don't quite have enough for a down payment, so... gotta put that off. We want to start a family, but due to Bekki's contract at work, and saving for a house, we really should put it off for a bit. I am happy, but I'm just so excited for the future, because we just have our shit so unbelievably together.

I feel crazy most of the time. I struggle so much to keep order and routine in my life, it's a daily fight to feel normal, and it only seems to work half the time. I make lists, follow the lists... I even list out my hobbies - my fun things - and still try to follow it, and still end up feeling lost, aimless, helpless and hopeless. I feel crazy, and like such an unbelievable burden. I feel disconnected, and unreachable.

I love my wedding band. I love it. I sometimes forget it's there, because it's become a part of my body. I couldn't even imagine it not being there, which may seem contradictory to the concept of not remembering it's there in the first place. I love to glance down at it and notice it, to touch it when I'm nervous, to turn it when I'm antsy. I like to make it shown when I'm in public, so that people know I'm married. I'm proud of my marriage, and love nothing more than to make it known that I've found happiness.

I still can't sleep. I've struggled with this issue for years and it doesn't seem to get better. I've tried quitting pills completely, I've tried cutting down on coffee, on sugar, on what I eat before dinner. Nothing makes a difference... perhaps the biggest difference was going to the gym late at night and coming home, showering and sleeping... physical exercise, but it doesn't seem like much of an option, and an especially impractical option just for sleep, considering I'm not too concerned about weight or strength, as I'm happy with both at the moment. Sleeping pills don't usually do too much (I took one tonight about two hours ago and I don't even feel the effects), and wine usually calms me and makes me feel sleepy, but the second I lay down, I seem to wake right up.

I long for a soft heartbeat... I long for relaxation and deep breaths. I long for feeling content in the present. I long for being tired at night and falling asleep easily, waking up feeling refreshed. I long for not being so bothered by the unimaginable and infuriated stupidity of other people I am forced to either interact with or be witness to. I have so many things in my head that I need to write down, I have so much in there, that it haunts me and confuses me, and makes me argue with myself and makes me talk to myself, and I have these conversations and recite these words as if I was writing and it never stops. I need to drain it, to end it, to stop it.

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