Excessive

I've been having a rough time still, with work being an especially difficult hurdle in most days. Today I had to leave the kitchen and go downstairs to the lockers and I honestly didn't know if I was going down there to scream in frustration, cry in desperation or just punch the shit out of the lockers. That's just a peak into the kind of emotional shit I'm going through while I'm there.

There is quite a few issues I've been having there, most of which shouldn't upset me, but for whatever reason it's really effecting me. Almost everyone there is so fucking passive aggressive, leaving rude, sarcastic notes around, without actually discussing issues directly or even leaving a name of who it is that's being rude and insulting. There are so many personal reasons that involve how I do my job, where I keep my stuff, how I spend about half of my day cooking in the café but the café cooks don't allow me to use any of the fridges, line, etc., to hold any of my things, so every time I get an order, I have to run around and collect stuff, it adds stress, and if I do happen to say, store an egg or two in the fridge, you know, the fridge where I cook for four hours, I get some sarcastic, rude, retarded comment about how I need to stop leaving shit in their fridges. Well, fuck you.

Last night, or evening, I was so anxious, left over anxiety from work, that I just kept drinking wine to the point that when Bekki got home from yoga around 8pm, I was pretty drunk. I just needed to keep drinking until my heart stopped pounding. It did help a little, I didn't feel like I was going to die, but it just came back later when it wore off.

Today again was an anxious, disaster of a day, and even now, at 9:30pm, I still feel anxious and I know that it's all coming from work.

I need to get the fuck out of there soon, or I may die.

Strangely, tomorrow is the staff party and I have to go because I've bought tickets, but after the last couple days, I really have no desire to be there, have no desire to be friendly towards everyone, and when I'm around any co-workers, I instantly feel like they talk shit behind my back or in some other way hurt me. I will go, eat my free dinner, win my stupid prize that sucks, and take a free cab home.

I've been working on custom budget software to replace Excel for my money tracking, and I'm enjoying the experience. It's jquery and javascript heavy, with a lot of client side stuff, and rather than quickly getting a functional page up and running, and then iterating and improving sections until it's the way I want, I'm starting with a specific feature, and working on it until it's exactly how I imagine it in my head when I was planning the project. I find that if I just aim for a working version and plans to improve later once it's working, I tend to get distracted and stop working on the project until all the features are in, and it never ends up exactly how I imagined (like detailed scoring in the chores project). Doing it this way, starting and focusing on one small thing at a time, should let me create exactly what I had envisioned. The end goal is the same, so maybe it won't make a difference which way I go about it, I may still get distracted and stop before it's finished, but I'm having fun doing it this way at the moment. I picture some functionality, and then do research to figure out how to implement it exactly how I saw it in my head, and so far it's working.

I think tomorrow we're going to do the grocery shopping (which we usually do on Sundays) because Sunday I work until 4pm and stores close quite early. I've planned out the meals and lunches (roughly) so I just have to do a quick inventory and we can go shop.

I find grocery shopping comforting, even if I hate most people when I'm out there.

I'm going to go to sleep soon, and I hope tomorrow's day at work is less stressful, and I kind of hope that I can almost enjoy my time at the party.

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