Excessive

I needed today, I really needed today, for what it was, so I could survive.

Yesterday was a terrible, terrible day. I've been having a rough week, but yesterday was sort of the culmination of everything building up, leading into non-stop, high anxiety. I took half a xanax in the morning before work so I could try to calm myself down and do some school work, but it didn't help much, I was so full of anxious energy that it was hard to do much of anything.

Once I got to work, I got much worse as the first thing I saw was that I was scheduled for six shifts, and 44 hours, which... is... insane. When I started back at school this semester, I asked for three shifts a week, or four shifts if I felt the financial need... basically I need 28 hours to break even and I made that clear. So 44 is a bit higher than 28, and I already feel overwhelmed with school, so... yeah. I freaked out and got in a really bad mood, took another xanax to calm down, just had a bad day at work. I couldn't stand being near people, and just wanted to disappear.

Geoff took my shift at work today so that I could stay home and work on school, and that was what I did. From about 9am to 3:00pm or so, I worked on my Component project, which was a molecule formula atomic weight calculator made in C# as a .DLL that is signed and shared, using an interface and blah blah blah, basically I finished the entire project today. I just have to organize the code a bit better, add comments and it'll be done, so that was amazing.

All I have left to do before Monday is my final Cobol lab before the case study (which is on Tuesday) so I figure I could do that tomorrow after work and Monday evening, so I was feeling pretty good about where I was sitting school-wise. That relaxed me quite a bit and allowed me to do some things I normally am too anxious to do... like make dinner, and go to the gym.

For dinner I made my classic meatloaf and mashed potatoes, and had it hot and ready for when Bekki got home from her horrible day at work (she had a bad day). We enjoyed dinner with some red wine, and then for dessert I had made mocha creme caramels, but I had forgot to cook them in a water bath, so they overcooked and kinda got fucked up... so the texture is way off but the taste is perfect, so they're still good. With dessert we enjoyed a cup of coffee with caramel bailey's.

After dinner we packed up and headed to the gym, where I felt... sluggish and not good... it had been two weeks since we had gone, and it was really challenging to get excited about it.

We got home from the gym around 9:45pm or so, and from then to about 11:00pm, I played Final Fantasy XIII-2, which is still a lot of fun. I then had a bath, came in here to write, and now I'm gonna lay in bed, read some Walking Dead and try to fall asleep.

I work tomorrow from 7am to 3pm, no idea what's happening besides brunch, no idea what's happening Monday to get ready for, and I'm trying not to care because it's hard putting your heart and soul into a place but feeling like you're getting kicked in the ass over and over again.

Ah well...

Felt better today... not perfect, but I needed today to step back from the edge.

We'll see what tomorrow does for me.

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