Excessive

It's been a long stretch of days that's felt as if there was no end. It wasn't the longest streak of days working or anything, and I know that while I'm in school, it's going to feel much more difficult, but I worked eight days in a row or something, and finally have my days off coming, so it's like I've reached the light at the end of the tunnel. Sadly, it's less of a tunnel, and more of a short underpass, but... I suppose that's most things in life.

I don't really know where to start... it's increasingly difficult to find time or to convince myself to write. Most nights I tend to play handheld games and watch the West Wing downstairs, and I just sort of absorb myself in that, a relaxing and comforting process that I don't try to resist. Writing is a strange thing for me, it's something that I think about constantly, at least once an hour. If I go to the bathroom, as I'm walking there, I recite lines in my head of things I could write, or would want to write, or if I'm at work I'll think of things, I'm just constantly going over things in my head in 'writing' form, but then when it comes time where I would be able to actually write it down, other things distract me or win me over as far as how to spend my limited free time, and it usually leads to feelings of guilt and regret.

I've been getting headaches for the last three days and it's very concerning, mainly because I went for a while without getting any.

I'm getting quite fatigued with all of my physical problems, it feels as if my body is already giving out and I'm only 29 years old. Let's see... specific days, usually related to two things, first the weather (ie. the rain) and second, the number of hours I've worked, and how many days I've worked in a row - my legs, hips, knees and ankles ache. Not just a little but debilitatingly powerful amounts of joint pain. It's never so bad that I can't walk or anything, but I'm just constantly aching and it's annoying.

My headaches obviously are an issue, and I'm reliant on endless amounts of pills - that aren't free - my headaches or migraines (however you want to define them) can generally ruin an entire evening. Very rarely do I have a headache in the first half of the day, and I'm almost certain that they are directly related to work, and if I take a break, and if I eat, but those are Type W headaches let's say; W for Work, and I would say 80% of my headaches are Type W, and I can sense them. I start to feel dizzy (slightly), sort of slurred thinking, pressure in my sinuses, and I just know that a migraine is coming. My sinuses get so blocked I can barely breath, and I get very nauseus, and any shift in blood pressure sends sharp pains to everywhere in my brain... getting up, bending down, walking... it hurts so much. Other random headaches happen much less frequent, and I rarely have them on days off... if I do, it's generally related to how I've slept, and if I slept with a weird krink in my neck or whatever. I've suffered from headaches as early as I can remember...

I remember sitting in a classroom, at the after-school program (where kids can go inside the school for parents who work 9-5 jobs... basically we go there, people look after us until our parents can come and get us... by parents I mean my Mom, because that's my parent), anyway... I remember sitting in a class room, I was probably in grade 1 or 2, was very young, one of my first memories, I remember attempting to read some book, boxcar children, or just something, and I remember having the most intense headache, so bad it hurt to open my eyes, and it hurt to be awake, and no one understood me or took me seriously, and I was in angony and that's how I still feel today, and it's just been with me my whole life. Diet has nothing to do with it - yes, eating in general is related, but not what I eat because through basic observation, based on days I get headaches, what I eat varies wildly. However recently a small pattern has emerged, or at least what seems to be one... I went a week or two without any headaches, and I had been eating toast with peanut butter for breakfast instead of bagel and cream cheese, but the last three days I ran out of toast and got a bagel from Tim's and I've got a headache the last three days, so... maybe it's related? Maybe something in the cheese is triggering headaches later in the day or something. It's interesting, and I'll test it in the future some more, because maybe that's the key.

More physical problems... my sinuses! I can rarely breath through my nose, and it's got to the point where I use nasal spray, but it only helps for an hour or two and then it just comes back even worse, and I need to use more, and the nasal spray says not to use it too often and not for a long period of time, so I need to stop, but then I can't breath and it's just a terrible situation. I'm not sure what the cause is, or if there will ever be a solution, but it's something that is effecting my day to day comfort and ability to breath, so it's very concerning.

Also my teeth have been bothering me the last day or two... nothing super specific, but I ate a banana today and the 'sweetness' of the banana was actually causing me so much pain on the right side of my mouth that I couldn't eat it, it hurt so much to chew. That's insane right? It hurt so much...

I've been watching the West Wing religiously lately, for the last month I guess. I had watched the first two seasons or so back in the day when I first downloaded it, probably in 2005/2006ish time, and something came up or whatever the distracted me and I stopped watching it, but I've been going and going and I'm just starting season five, which is when Aaron Sorkin left the show, Rob Lowe has left... you can tell there is some different writing happening, but the actors know their characters so well that it still feels the same. I'm enjoying it a lot and it's very comforting to just lay on the couch and watch, play a game on the Vita or 3DS and just stay calm. It's nice for sure, and I look forward to it while I'm at work, it's kind of like a 'safe place' that I can focus on if I'm feeling stressed or hopeless.

There is quite a bit around the house that I'm dissatisfied with, generally things I feel helpless to take care of, but perhaps there are things I can do to fix them, I just haven't thought it through. For example, the bathroom sink leaks underneath, and we have a bucket there to catch it... and it leaks a lot. Last night I tried to take action and fix it... I unscrewed it, cleaned it out (almost throwing up) and screwed it back on, but now it leaks more than it did before, so now I just feel like I shouldn't have touched it. The basement is moldy smelling, to the extent that it can be difficult to breath down there and the smell often creeps up the stairs and into the main floor, leaving a feeling of unclean that lingers around. The pipe in the basement connected to the main floor toilet leaks when that toilet is flushed, and perhaps most annoying, the fan in the fridge squeeks so loudly it's like a joke. It's like candid camera, and a joke is being played on me. I can hear it over the TV, and I can hear it from upstairs, and it just squeeks, non-stop, forever, always. Ugh... god dammit.

I go back to school soon, and my mind is so astir that I can't think straight. I have three days off now after working so many days in a row, and as an idea that seems relieving and nice and awesome, but then when I stop to actually think about it, I feel lost as to what I'm actually going to spend the time doing, and that scares me that I'll spend the time depressed and aimless. I need a plan, a list... something to accomplish.

Sometimes I feel very weak, and sometimes I feel very helpless.

1483 words