Excessive

Although I've had worse days, I wouldn't say that today was a good day by any measure. It certainly ended poorly, and started in a typical, unenjoyable way, and the inbetween was less than optimal.

I started the day working on school... waking up much too early to go to a class that I didn't have to go to, to do work that I didn't need to do. I should've just slept, I should've just kept sleeping but I felt a weird mixture of obligation and guilt that got me out of bed. I feel bad if I skip a class (I've only done it once, by accident) and I also feel bad that Bekki has to wake up so early to go to her placement, so I feel like I should get up too. Either way, I went to sleep at like, 2am last night and woke up around 7:40am, so it just wasn't enough sleep. After working on school, I did end up napping, which was a good idea I think.

When I work afternoons at work, I get huge anxiety the entire morning, but it really intensifies while I sit on the bus and make my way to work. I can't really describe it, or really say what causes it. I'm not anxious about work, because work itself is fine, it's easy. I just get so anxious that it feels like my life is falling apart around me. My mind wanders on it's own, to whatever it feels like. I have no control, and often times it wanders to terrible and painful visions, and... I can't describe the pain that I feel deep inside my heart, the anxiety in my stomach... I'm tortured every day I sit and take the bus to work, and my mind battles against me to make me suffer for something I'm unaware of.

Coming home from work was terrible as well. A huge storm was coming, and it was obvious... I was just hopping that I would catch my bus before it hit. I can only take the 13A to get home... I can take the regular ol' 13 and get within 20 minute walking distance but it's not preferable. I wait for almost thirty minutes and the 13 comes just as it starts to rain, but keeps driving and drives by me because it seemed pretty full. Instead of asking people to move back or just trying to fit me on (I'm pretty small), the asshole, retarded, piece of shit bus driver thought he'd leave me standing in the rain. Keep in mind the 13 only comes once every 30 minutes. So now it's storming full blast, I'm soaked down to my underwear within minutes, and I'm just trying to protect my iPhone from getting wet, and all I can do is stand there and get poured on for probably about 40 minutes until the next bus came... which thankfully let me on, even though it was almost full. The ride home was cold and drippy... when I got off at the corner near my house, it was raining even harder than it had been before, and I got a nice extra boost of rain before I got to go home.

I had a shower right away, and then put all my clothes in the laundry, hung up my jacket in the basement and then just spent some time feeling sorry for myself. I ate some dinner (canelloni, caesar salad) and watched an episode of Breaking Bad. Afterward, I worked on doing the dishes, I played some Kingdom Hearts HD and eventually Bekki got home from work, I came up here and wrote this out while listening to Bonnie Prince Billy and Naked and Famous... now I'm going to go downstairs and portion my tomatoes (assuming they aren't bad) and then get ready for bed.

Life sucks right now. I don't get to see my wife, we don't get to do things together or see each other, or eat together, or watch tv, or talk, or fall asleep together or wake up together, or do anything. Work, school, work school worksjfdfhworkshcoolworkschool

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