Menu

Excessive

Writing Photography Rambling

September 20, 2004 2:07PM

Left Behind

So afraid
Open your eyes
Know too well
That fatuates you
Something undefined
There in the halflight
The demon without
The demon inside
To play then torment you
Feelings so sure
Feelings so uncertain
Something is wrong
Everyone's gone
You have been left behind
Everyone left the demon inside

Do you still hear the laughter
So hard to describe
And never forget
Faces that haunt you
Wake or sleep
You know you can't tell
Unable to sleep
Unable to fight
Unwilling to wake
To open your eyes
Face your oppressor
Still you go on
Convinced it will end

Can you remember
A day when it was not
Not like this
Unsure of yourself
Unsure of your thoughts
Unable to know
Of what you think is right or wrong
Still you go on
Convinced it will end
But someone pushes
A blade through your mind
There on the edge
No one will find you
So hearing them laugh
No light it's not the end for you

Why is everything wrong
Here I am
Here I am
With these words
Trying to say
Something I can't
Something I can't tell you
Nothing is wrong
The demons they have left you
You were not left behind
You were not left behind
So open your eyes
So open your eyes
Unable to sleep
Unable to fight
Unwilling to wake
Please open your eyes
Here I stand
Unable to tell you
I'm trying to say
Nothing is wrong
Please open your eyes
Nothing is wrong
You were not left behind
I don't even know where to begin... Apparently, at a party I attended at Teresas (regular readers of this site will remember it as the 'summer ending' party), everyone there thinks I had sex with Michelle, and has been telling everyone so, as if it were fact. Now.. where to start.. let's see.. first off all, I'd like to say: Are you people retarded? Now not to be mean but... what the fuck? Let's see... the folowing events were interperated as having sex with Michelle. *ahem* I was drunk. I was drinking straight tequila out of the bottle. a lot. I then decided it was time to go home. I put on my shoes.. somehow, and Michelle offered to make sure I got home, as she was pretty much completely sober. I can't really remember why I was upset, but I was upset at something; I remember being pissed off at something.. but anyway, I left out the door, and got to about half way down Teresa's street when I landed on someones lawn. It appears I wasn't in any condition to walk, but try telling ME that. Michelle talked to me and made sure I was okay, beause I did just kinda fall down. She knew I couldn't make it home, and so she helped me up and walked me back to Teresas, got me down the stairs and put me on the couch, and handed me a blanket. I remember her being concerned for me at that point - telling me that sometimes when she's scared she likes to talk. I remember her trying to start conversation... but that's the last thing I remember. It would seemed I fell asleep/passed out right about then, on the couch, under my stinky small blanket. I don't know where Michelle slept, as she was sitting the last I remember, and she was gone home by the time I woke up.

Now if someone could kindly point out where in those events the actual intercourse took place, I'd love to know! You see, if any of you would have taken the five seconds to poke your fucking head out of the damn room and looked, you would've seen me sleeping on the fucking couch. Yes, it is quite the retarded rumor to have started, considering the circumstances in which the night ended; and I mean retarded in the strongest sense. I would love to know how these conclusions were made; exactly what it was that would make anyone think these things. No. Seriously. Tell me. I find it odd, to be honest, that I didn't hear of this rumor until my girlfriend had asked me if I had sex with Michelle. I find it odd that not one person had asked me about it, told me that there was a rumor going around, thought it was weird... anything. When I asked Michelle about it; when I told her that this rumor existed all she had to say was that she knew. That a lot, if not all of her friends that attended that party had asked her. Why didn't you ask me? Why did she say no, and yet you people still talked shit about me behind my back? I just want to make a couple things straight. Most importantly, I don't play your highschool bullshit, drama and games. Okay? Secondly, unless you are asking me about something you heard about me, shut the fuck up. Okay? Thanks. Leave me out of your fucking bullshit. You have no idea how your fucking petty little rumors affect others lives. You don't know how a very small thing can destroy something much larger. You think people are supposed to be your friend and yet they put you through shit like this? What the hell is that? What does that even mean? Does that mean I should never trust anyone.. ever.. because they'll fuck you over the first chance they get. I'm just baffled by the whole thing; betrayed by the few people I let in. Thanks.

So this is how it feels to suffer?
And I had too much to say
But it?s over now
And I?m going down
Alone, alone

I?ve no guarantees
I?d recognize my disease
Before my time has gone
It?s all I?ve found
Can?t get the hell off the ground
Out from under my feet

Promises and wishes are nothing
When it?s me that I?m speaking to
Wanting something more
Then I will see you through

I don?t need to see these visions to
remind me
That I?m dying from the inside out
Wanting you here
I still keep dying almost doing without

I can?t criticize your reasons for living
When you?re the one missing them
Wanting, dreaming that I may
Find out where they come from

Find where they come from
Where they come from

I dream you
Now fall too
Beneath you

I can?t get up out from under my feet

I?ve tried to
But can?t get it through
I need to
God, it?s all I?ve found
Can?t get the hell off the ground
Out from under my feet

So this is how it feels, you sucker
And you?ve had too much to say
But it?s over now
You?re finally going down
Alone, alone
My greatest and most true fears have been realized; I was abandoned. It was like walking into one of my rainy night, reaccuring nightmares. There was no difference, except in my dreams... I feel more alive. 'When will I learn?' I think to myself... do I even want to learn? This dependency I have in life is all I have; the only thing in life; if I were to take that away... what would I have left? I felt cold and alone sleeping; Michelle was there with me, but she had gone to bed and I don't think it would've made a difference if she hadn't. I felt isolated, on an island in my mind, and I couldn't touch anything; I was detached from reality. I heard voices that night... I haven't heard voices in a very long time, not since the nights leading up to the trip to the psyche ward. I heard my name... I heard, "Jordan. Don't tell Jordan." and I heard other random things.. they weren't in my head... they were outside of my ear. I didn't want to feel cold anymore, and yet I had no where to turn and no one to go to. I wanted hugs, and kisses, and nurturing... and all I had was a wall and two blankets. I was sitting at a bus stop; it was night time and the breeze was cold with autumns touch. I saw a white spider, no larger than a dime, climbing and exploring the glass. It went upwards, and downwards, looked over at me and continued on. It discovered the side of the glass... and went on to explore that. I stared and stared in awe, never glancing away. How I wish to disappear; to no longer be here. I wish to be innocent like that spider. I want to be pure and happy. I want to explore the glass, without fear of being cut. Emily left the city; I am alone. I have this huge feeling of everything around me changing... like I went to sleep, awoke and nothing was the way it was. No one is who they were, nothing is as it was. I'm not sure what's going on with me; perhaps I've reached my limit; perhaps I've gone beyond my limit. Maybe I truely am insane now. I lied to the doctors to let me out, but only because I knew the game they were playing... I knew what was going on. I knew what to say to get out and what to say to stay in, but I did it, barely. I swore and I was rude; I was completely outside of myself and was in a waking dream but I survived it and got out alive. I endured much... but nothing has ever been the same since that day. nothing. I spoke to Emily and she's returning home tomorrow, but what do I do? How do I act? If anyone has answers, please tell me. Do I pretend to laugh and play games on consoles, cry alone in my bath so it seems as though nothing is wrong. Hide my cuts from her eyes, so she thinks I'm sane... What is it that I do? My future is being destroyed day by day and I can do nothing but sit by and watch it and it pains me. I suppose you've heard enough of me be serious now... you people don't read this because of who I am, you read it because of how I write... so I'll perhaps move on...

Fable, as it would seem, is quite the brilliant game. Not only does it have an endless amount of things you can spend your time doing, but it actually makes those things fun. Basically what Fable is, is a large, medievil world, rich with detail, legends, history, lush terrain, bustling villages and small camps, and you are set free to play the role of a hero, or more accuratley, a young man who wishes to become a hero. You are free to do pretty much anything you wish... you can kill all the townsfolk if you'd like, and then steal all of the goods at the market, of course after that, don't expect to be liked by anyone, and most will simply flee from you after knowing what you did. You can defend all innocents and fight for noble causes, protecting anyone and everything from evil. You can flirt with townsfolk (both men and women) and have people fall in love with you. You can bring them gifts, you can get married, if you bring them a ring of course, and buy a home together and live in it.. or if you're more of a greedy person, you can buy homes and rent them out. You can buy products at a shop in one area, and bring it to another area that has a demand for those products and make a profit. If struck hard in battle it will leave a visible scar. You can get haircuts, you can get tatoos, you can wear many, many different types of clothing (including a dress or two). You can give people the middle finger, or fart, or burp. You can go to a bar and drink so much beer you can't even walk, and then start fist fights in town. You can join the local fight club and fight for gold.. it's just a world of opprotunity that can occupy anyone with an imagination and sense of role playing for hours and hours. The core of the game lies in the quest system however, in which you take core quests and optional quests to move the story along, but you can take those whenever you want, so you aren't limited in the time you have to wonder the world, or make a name for yourself, or just do as you please. I think to truely enjoy the game, you have to let yourself be immersed to the point that you can try to think as your character... play a role as if an actor; do not ask yourself what you would do in his position, ask yourself what he would do in his position. Play the role of an evil mage, but dammit PLAY the role of an evil mage. Kill random people, and then laugh miniacley. Rent out a home, only to break into it a few days later and kill everyone. If you can really, really get into the role playing aspect of the game, this will surely be one of your favorite games of all time, but if you just look at it as a hack and slash, quest a to quest b adventure, you're going to be sadly disappointed, because that's not where the fun lies. Yes, the quests are challenging, and are quite fun to complete, but that's not the heart of the game.

So there you have it... it seems that would be all I have in me as of right now. Please allow all flames, badmouthing and backstabbing commence. Just, please, don't expect me not to fight back. I'll destroy you. Why is it that my goodnight consists of a bottle of pills?

2252 words

2 Comments
No Tags
Timeline
  • I lived with Ben on Cartier
  • I was with Emily
Previous Post
Next Post

2 Comments

Michelle
January 01, 2000
I’m assuming that because everyone there besides me was drunk, that they were interpreting my being a good friend as something more. Honestly, nothing happened so we can all rest now. I slept on the chair in a smelly blanket with a hole in it, so how coul
Brandi
January 01, 2000
Aww, I read your entry. I'm sorry all those people are assholes and had to say that stuff about you. It sucks. But don't worry because Emily loves you (well at least from reading your entrys it seems she does). And I'm sure a lot of other people do. If I

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

On This Day
Show More
Well, This Is Random