Excessive

Someone said something about blogging... about a diary, about a journal, about writing things down, that made me think to write. It made sense to me, and reminded me of feelings I used to get when I was a good writer. He said that writing things down was like a decompression. It was a way to deposit all of your shit, so that you could get it all out, and then be empty, to finally relax, to be done with it. It does this sometime, and I remember that, I think that's why I'm writing right now, and why I keep writing and why I enjoy it.

I am ugly. To me, I feel ugly. I hate my hair, I hate my ears. I hate my clothes and my body. I hate looking in the mirror before getting into a bath, and I hate seeing my stupid face when I'm getting out. I hate having my eyes open in my bath, and I hate laying there.

Today was a day filled with purposeless anxiety. Is that a thing? I need to come up with a name for this terrible anxiety I feel for no reason. Bekki, loving, and super Bekki, tries very hard to reduce my anxiety, and it's next to impossible for her to actually reduce my anxiety. I feel helpless... because she's close to helpless. What I mean, is that sometimes, a lot of times, most of the time, I get intense, unbearable and crushing feelings of anxiety, but for no tangible reason, no reason that I could pinpoint, no reason that I could eliminate or use logic to dismiss. She tries so hard to do things that would help a normal person and I just feel terrible that it doesn't always help me. I start to feel like I'm letting her down, or that she's going to get frustrated that I'm helpless. I wish there was a reason, I wish there was something I was anxious about, so that I could conquer it, or fail, or succeed, or just... be done with it.

As I was saying, today was an anxiety filled day, that only got worse as the day went on, but I suppose that's always the way it is. At one point, I thought my heart was going to explode out of my chest, I could barely manage to stand. Also as I said before, I don't know why. A normal person, and logically in my head, today should've been ultimately relaxing. I didn't really do chores, I programmed a bit, listened to podcasts, played a game called Defender's Quest, I had little to stress about, if anything. I am happy. I'm happy with where things are, and the future, and I have nothing to be upset about. I'm not upset. I am not. I am not upset. You can't get anxious and upset confused. I'm not worried about something, I am not upset about something. My physical body is feeling the same was as you feel when you are really nervous. It's like a physical issue, if it weren't a mental one. Does any of this make sense? Let's say I had something like... arthritis. If I had a day where my arthritis was really bad, it wouldn't do much good to try and fix it mentally. I mean, sure, maybe there was a cause, or maybe it was just a bad day for it.

I've tried thinking it through logically to make the feelings of anxiety go away, I've tried relaxation, I've tried lists and structured days. I've tried just giving up and doing whatever I felt like. Generally, the anxiety or anxious days come with other side effects. Most notably is A.D.D. I can't focus on one thing, ever. I can't sit still, I can't play a game because I lose interest within minutes. I cant program because at any instant I'll just minimize it and do something else. It's terrible and only increases my anxiety. At one point I was shaking my legs so hard without noticing it that I almost fell out of my chair.

I want to do the same things. I want to play my games, and program my websites, but I want to do it and have time move slowly. I want to do it and feel at rest, and not shake my leg, and not feel like my heart is beating harder than my body can take it. I want to feel rested, feel calm and relaxed. Today should've been the perfect day, but instead I'm filled with feelings of frustration and regret, and tomorrow my work week starts over again, and I will only continue to feel frustrated, like my time to relax was stolen from me from some unknown thing. Some thing I live with but don't understand. Xanax didn't make it go away, it only made me feel extremely tired and uncomfortable. Wine helped it go away for about half an hour and then just came back. I think it's the price I pay for creativity. Sure, I can be creative when I don't feel like this, but I think somewhere deep in my brain, it's the same force that pushes me to create large, complex things. I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore.

On a more dark and uncomfortable note, I'm watching Lost in Translation, and the last time I watched this movie I tried to overdose on sleeping pills and drifted in and out of an extremely uncomfortable haze, and I just remember the movie being extremely trippy, and unique, but I'm not sure if it was just because of what was happening to me at the time. This time I'm only flooded with strange, uncomfortable memories as I watch. It's a good movie though, so I want to keep watching.

Tomorrow I go to work at 6am, and I've taken a sleeping pill, and I'm already feeling very sleepy.

So in reality, things are going great. I am happy with the current state of things, happy for the future, but in my mind, just today, I feel a mess, and I feel so anxious. It will go away, and I will feel "normal" again at some point. I really want it to be soon. I'd like to understand it some day, but I honestly don't know if I ever will.

I don't think I'll ever find a way to cope, nor a cure.

It's my life and I guess I've gotta live with it.

Oh, a P.S. I finished Ocean At The End of The Lane. Awesome book, and it was very enjoyable. I'm excited to see if it gets turned into a movie, because I think it would make a great one. My next book will probably be Wildwood 3, which I have coming in the mail (signed by the author) soon.

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