Excessive

There is something most certainly wrong with my brain; I've not been able to feel much of anything recently. Well, the more I think about it, the longer it seems. I have a difficult time getting excited about things, or just happy, and at the same time I have no issues becoming severely upset about random stupid crap that doesn't matter.

I like my job. Yeah, I haven't been writing a lot lately here, but I have been writing almost nightly in a paper journal, so... you know, my loyal reader (myself) is already aware of what's going on. I've written my thoughts and feelings of my new job privately, but not really here. I do enjoy it, but once I leave it at 5pm, I don't really think about it, kind of on purpose.

I'm aware that I should feel excited; what I mean is that inside my head, in my internal dialog, I say to myself, "why don't you feel excited" or... excitement should be here. I feel it briefly, at random times for seconds, and then it fades away. It's a great job... I sit at a desk for eight hours and program in PHP... it's how I spent my time off of work for years, and now I get paid well to do it.

What I'm triyng to say is I am excited, I really truly am, but I know or at least think I remember what true excitement felt like, and it's missing. I love my job, but am so bogged down by my intense depressive episodes that I can't focus on anything once I'm at home. While I'm at work, I'm usually alright, I sometimes slip into a feeling of fear, that I'm not living up to their expectations and will be let go at anytime, but that comes and goes.

For the most par my days stay the same, and my experiences of the day change drastically. Wake up at 7am, have breakfast at the computer, catch the bus at 8am, get to work for 8:45am, work until 1pm, eat lunch until 2pm, continue working until 4:45pm, catch the bus home. Sometimes I only take a half hour for lunch, sometimes I don't take a lunch at all and just eat at my desk while working, but I'm too embarrassed or nervous to ask if that means I'm allowed to leave early, so I generally don't, but I'm sure I can.

Once home, I make dinner right away, then eat dessert on the computer, watch some tv, then go to sleep.

Now that exact day, for the first couple weeks of work, was amazing. I felt relaxed, I felt healthy and active, I felt great, I felt like everything was perfect. Now this last week, maybe a tiny bit more, the exact same experiences have left me feeling hopeless, extremely irritable, unstable, and just hating everything. I can't focus on anything once I'm home, I'm in a lot of physical discomfort (my entire scalp is peeling for some reason), and I'm just generally not having a very good time.

I'm sure it'll swing back, but right now it's overwhelming. Bekki deserves to be with happy me all the time, and I feel really bad for her having to put up with such a giant retarded asshole like myself.

I don't really feel nervous going into work and I feel like that is a really big milestone. Also, for the most part, for the most rational part, I feel like I'm pretty secure in my position, like I'm somewhat pulling my weight. Obviously, like I mentioned, I still have moments when I feel like maybe people say stuff behind my back, or think poorly of me, but I try my best to push those thoughts out of my head.

Bekki and I just recently finished watching through the entirety of Lost, but perhaps that's a discussion for another night.

I just started watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer because regardless of the fact that I always thought it looked lame, girly and stupid, Ryan Scott constantly talks about how awesome it is, and it's created and written by Joss Weadon, which gives it a lot of credit. So... why not check it out. If it's even just a little bit good, then it gives me something to watch for a month or two, and after watching the first two episodes, I think I can live with it, although it has it's flaws.

I couldn't sleep... mainly because when I put my head down on the pillow, it felt like my scalp was both on fire, and super itchy, and I just couldn't lay down and not go crazy. I was wide away, irritable and uncomfortable. I came down stairs and drank the rest of a bottle of wine, and wrote this ,

Oh, I guess it's worth mentioning that I've been working (slowly) on a remake of this website again. I'm slowly working on it as a good way to train for my job, and it's going alright, but not quite as quickly as I wanted. This last week or so, I tend to sit down and get no work done... maybe I'm burnt out from working all day, but I just can't seem to think straight or get anything done on my own stuff after work. I'm gonna keep working on it though. It should have most of the same features, but way more maintainable code, easier to expand on, and run a lot smoother, with a (hopefully) more elegant and readable format.

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