Excessive

I have good days and I have bad; today was a mix of those. This weekend was a fairly relaxing weekend, as they have been recently thanks to my new job and new outlook on life. I really do feel as if I've entered a new phase of adult life now, and it's interesting. A small shift in circumstance can cause large shifts in perspective.

I have been learning to drive recently, and sometimes I'm overcome with nervousness, so much so that I can't even start the car. It's times such as these that I feel like I've let Bekki down, and let myself down. I want so badly to drive, and yet I sit there, overcome with an inability to do anything at all. I can't conquer it, at least not at times. There are days when I feel confident, and I don't overthink anything, and I can sit down and just do it, deal with anxiety as it comes, but days like today, I get so scared, that I'm overwhelmed with a sense of... paranoia, or something to that effect. I start to feel like I'm being watched by people - maybe the street is empty, but that idea persists. Maybe I can hear a voice or a dog barking, surely someone must be watching me, judging me that I'm older and learning to drive. I feel a mixture of embarrassment and shame; a vulnerability that I do not enjoy.

I read Into The Wild by Jon Krakauer in two days... half on Saturday and the other half on Sunday. I did so because Brekki wanted to watch the film adaptation, but I insisted that I read the book before I saw the movie (which may or may not have been a good idea), and so since it was the weekend, and the book was only two hundred pages long, I decided to read half on each day, and so I did. My opinion on the book was that it was an interesting read for sure. I certainly had no trouble turning the pages and reading about fifty to seventy five pages per hour. It's a true story about some dude who hated society and believed himself invincible, eventually attempting to live out a childhood fantasy of living in Alaska free from anything and anyone. Spoiler alert, he dies from starvation. The book contains no real events, climax or offers any reason for you to care about the main character. He comes off as an arrogant and naive kid, a little too intelligent for his own good. I think that's all I really have to say about it, it was an interesting read, an interesting story, but lacked something... a purpose maybe. While the implied message is "be prepared if you're going to do some crazy risky shit", there is no explicit message conveyed by the author about youth, intelligence, preparedness, family, society. I feel like it was an opportunity to discuss perhaps the bigger pictures of why people do these types of things, instead it was only briefly touched on with stories of other people who had done similar things (including the author himself.)

I've been working on the revision of this website a bit, very slowly, while watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer, a strangely comforting yet terrible show. I've slowly been adding features, working on implementing a very, very straightforward bootstrap layout/style. I figure I'll worry more about specific styles or different themes after the main site is completed. Once the functionality is there, it'll be easy to change some colors and font-sizes and create different looks. It's keeping me busy, but the problem comes from having too many ideas, that it's difficult to concentnrate on one. I have this burning desire to create more and more and it enver stops. I feel anxious all the time because these ideas won't go away. I want to make a wine inventory website that stores all the wine you have and drink, people can rate wine, share bottles, share notes on tasting, and I think if I made it decent enough, I could make it for public use. I also know that I could make a way more badass, and useable, and mobile friendly version of the chores website that Brekkerson and I have come to rely on for letting us know what needs to be done around the house. I usually just sit down and do one or two little things, I never quite get as much done as I'd like, but can never quite pin-point exactly what it was that I wanted to get done.

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