Excessive

How am I supposed to function in life if I can't even get enough courage to get out of bed in the morning. I'm scared of everything! It has gotten out of hand; to the point where I'm going to have to go to the doctors and talk and see what I can do. I can't go to work, I can't even feel comfortable leaving my apartment for any reason at all, even things like going to the store. This condition keeps getting worse and worse... nothing helps. Writing used to be therapy for me... now it feels like a chore, pointless and stupid, uninteresting and completely retarded (like me!) At least I used to feel angry at things... now I'm just numb to everything so much, and I'm so scared of anything and everything... how the hell am I going to live a life like this... what am I supposed to do? WHAT?

It's not like this isn't a big deal either, because it's a huge deal, and I'm seriously fucking up my future, as well as Emilys, and I want to stab myself through the face with a sharp rock, and even with that feeling, I still can't even force myself to do anything. I'm going out this afternoon, to bring resumes to every store in galleria mall, and it's so, so hard for me to do that... but I'm going to.. but I'm so scared. I can feel my stomach crawling up into my chest, and my heart pounds harder than it should, I feel light headed and everything starts to fade in to bright spots of light all around me... how am I supposed to live like this..

I've been through complete hell in every imaginable way in the last while, and I haven't really cried in months and months. I haven't felt extremely happy either... I would give anything to cry.. I just want to CRY. I want to feel energized by something, I want to feel inspired, accomplished.. SOMETHING.

I'm letting down everyone in my life (everyone that I haven't already let down that is) and I hate it. I feel so helpless and useless and retarded. I wish I could just go somewhere and disappear; it would be so much better that way. Maybe I'm just weak.. maybe I'm just the weakest person to ever live. Maybe that's whats wrong with me.

The worst part is that the people I would want support from the most, will most likely yell at me, put me down and make me feel like crap for having these problems and this thing wrong with me.. I don't think I can help it... but I guess it's hard for people to see that.

Oh well, I guess that's enough for right now.. there's only two people reading this shit anyway.

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