Excessive

I've been having these overpowering feelings of dread or constant worry lately, that won't go away, and seem to cover many things in my life, not just one specific area. What I mean by that is that I'm not worrying about one specific thing in my life, but rather I'm feeling quite fearful about many things. For a change, these fears aren't causing panic attacks, or irrational behavior, so that leads me to believe that they are perhaps not blown out of proportion by whatever it is in my head that does the blowing (haha) and that they may be justified fears. My life is so insecure right now... it's all up in the air and I have no security, no definitive proof that things will work out, or that I will be okay; things seem to change from week to week, going from good, to bad, to great, to horrible, to who knows what's coming next. I've been trying very hard to stay happy and cheerful, even when faced with opposition; I try not to get upset or angry no matter how tempting it would be to be spiteful or hurtful. Things just sometimes, and most recently, feel hopeless, somewhat like no matter how hard I try, nothing turns out as good as I had tried to make it, with many aspects, like my freakin’ muffins. The fact that people around me have been moody themselves has only clashed with my attempts to become calm and relaxed, and usually egg me on to become angry or upset. Oh well, things will be better right? I suppose my strong fear of people abandoning me has been overtaking my hopefulness lately, with constant fear that I'll be alone with no hope without warning, it's very hard to keep hope alive.

brothers in arms

In my attempts to relax lately I've been playing an increasing amount of Xbox, as this practice has been successful in calming me in the past. The two games that have claimed the majority of my attention are Soul Calibur 2, which I've been playing both by myself, and with Nick, Brittany and Vanessa, and Tetris Worlds, which I also play with them, and recently by myself, as a means to stay calm (it's hypnotic). From time to time I'll pop in SSX3 and play through some slopestyle, as I find that great fun and real good way to feel good, but I haven't been playing it as much in the last week or two. Today I threw in a game I've owned for quite awhile but haven't invested much time into: Brothers in Arms. I played through quite a few levels when I first got it, got to a really difficult leve, gave up, and never touched it again. The game is based on a true story, which makes it very involving and interesting, as it's based around facts, so it's very believable (obviously) and easy to identify with the characters. The detail put into the scenery and setting is staggering and are some of the best visuals I've seen yet. I played through the first few levels, unlocked some of the extras, and read/viewed all of the extras available, and then took a break, but I had a lot of fun, and I think I'll go back to it tomorrow and/or the next available time to play. That about wraps up my gaming lately, as well as my attempts to calm and relax myself in a time where I'm questioning the reasons I'm still around in the first place. Of course there are still a ton of games I want to get, and some so much that it upsets me that I'm not in a position to continue collecting... recently released games such as Dragon Quest 8, Mario Kart DS, Digital Devil Saga 2, Animal Crossing DS, Mario and Luigi DS and of course, Xbox 360 for Perfect Dark Zero, Oblivion, Project Gotham and many others. Of course, I'm realistic, and know that I'll never get any of these in the near future... so I'll just try to enjoy what I have. ... Dammit.

Other than the things I've written about, I don't really want to talk about other things. My thoughts on human beings and how self centered, self absorbed and insensitive they are keep being reinforced day in and day out, which isn't any help to my spirits, but that's pretty much as far into it I'm going to go. I've actually enjoyed writing this entry, but I feel that it's come time to end it and go and lay down for the night, even though I'm not tired. I'm sure I'll fall asleep out of boredom and despair.

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