Excessive

Is it weird that I feel much more comfortable and okay when I'm super depressed? Is it weird that I just can't wait to get back to that dark and sad place? I can't stand feeling like this, feeling... creative but unable to create. It's like torture. I still feel lonely but I don't feel that longing for romance. I just feel resentful, I feel angry almost. I hate people for leading me on. I hate people for making me feel loved only to take it away when it doesn't amuse them anymore.

I don't know of any way to snap myself out of this state of mind... Well... history shows there are some reliable ways, but none that I can take advantage of right now. I just need to fight through it, to focus on this school work as best I can and soon school will be over and I will have some time to over-analyze my life and come to terms with what's been happening with me.

It would appear as though I wasn't meant to work on school tonight, as returning from work I've got quite the persistent headache. I've taken medication, I've had a hot bath, I've tried to relax and yet my head still pounds. It aches in the back of my skull, pushes behind my eyes and reminds me that I have work to do. I give up, I can't focus or concentrate so I gave up.

I dressed comfortably in my pijamas, sat down and played Skyrim for a bit. Did you notice how I suddenly switched tenses? Before I was speaking in the present and now I am speaking in the past. Ah, that would be because I wrote the first bit before I sat down and played Skyrim, and now I'm finishing the entry. Ah well, shut up.

I think I'm most bothered by the fact that I can't put how I'm feeling lately into words. Is it just stress? I think it's more than just stress. Something feels off and I feel lost. I don't know what would make it better or what steps I should take beyond simply getting through each day and waiting to see what happens.

As usual, I had more things to write, more concepts to try to turn into words, but I sit here in front of the TV with nothing. I suddenly can't put anything into words and feel helpless.

I feel as though I shouldn't have been at work today, I feel as though it should've been common sense to realize that the school year is coming to a close and the amount of school work I have to take care of is sky rocketing and that scheduling me for useless shifts would be in my worst interest. I went in today with no events and nothing happening, and it wasn't even for prep, it wasn't even to clean or organize or get ahead, no... it was to do inventory, something that management should really do. Yes, instead of getting work done on my research paper or C++ project, I went to work and counted things on shelves and in the fridges. I wasn't pleased, I don't know how I got stuck doing inventory again but I do not care for it. Part time. Part. Time. Do we know what this means? This means working Saturday and Sunday, I don't care how long the shifts are, I'll work twelve hours, fine, I don't care. Saturday and Sunday. And then I will pick up one day during the week. This.This is part time. That's close to twenty hours. That is part time. That is time during the week to focus on school, and enough hours to pay rent. That's it. I don't want to work 35 hours a week, I don't want to work five days a week. How is this difficult to understand? I'm pretty pissed off that I've sacrificed good marks to help Windermere succeed, and I know that I will gain nothing from it. I will be forgotten and looked over, especially because I'm considered part time, even though I get more hours than most of the people there.

I feel tired, or worn out. I don't know for sure. I've let my cupboards go bare and my fridge rot from the inside out. I don't have nice breakfasts, I can't even wake up in the morning. My routine is falling apart, and I feel as though I've got nothing to lean on. I have very few comforts left, I can't seem to enjoy writing, I've decided to stop sleeping pills, I feel like there are no shows I watch that I enjoy (besides Boardwalk once a week). Ah, here I am complaining again... perhaps it would be best if I explored some upcoming positives, or things I should be looking forward to.

Soon I will not have to think about school work, assignments, projects, presentations... soon it will be behind me, at least for a few months. Soon I will have more free time, soon I will have more time to plan meals and eat better, and have nicely prepared dinners, eaten at regular times. In the future, I will find routine, I will find comfort in timing. Soon I might find someone who wants to spend time with me.

I'm not tired and yet the clock says 1:17am. I have to wake up by 9am, so I suppose I still have some time, but lately it seems like it doesn't really matter what time I go to bed, I can just never wake up when I'm supposed to. It pisses me off so much when I think about it, so I really just try not to think about it at all. I think my goal will be to go to sleep by 2:30am today, so at least I get 6.5 hours of sleep, which seems good enough to me.

Tomorrow I've got school and then I need to spend the rest of the day finishing my research paper completely. I may also stop by the grocery store, and I may plan a nice dinner. I need to start actively doing things that will make me feel comfortable, but... I think the entire idea of actively having to do anything like that is what takes the comfort away.

1057 words